Jim Porter: Colonoscopies – a laughing matter
March 20, 2014
More jokes have been told about colonoscopies than any other medical treatment. I'm sure of it.
You've heard some: "Take it easy, doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." How about, "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" Or, "Can you hear me now?"
I run with an older crowd, which doesn't really make sense because I'm not old, but more often than not, old guy conversations ultimately get around to body parts and colonoscopies and of course the feared "digital exam" (see Proctologist Humor below).
But colonoscopies are no laughing matter. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 140,000 Americans are diagnosed with colorectal cancer every year and more than 50,000 people die from it.
The CDF estimates that six out of ten colorectal cancer deaths could be prevented in men and women over 50 if they were screened routinely.
If you're over 50 there's no reason not to get a colonoscopy. It's painless. Seriously.
The nurses give you a few drops of something and the next thing you know, you hear the doctor saying something like, "That went well, I'll see you in a few years." No hurry doc, no hurry at all.
There is one minor unpleasant aspect to getting a colonoscopy. You drink a gallon of a horrible-tasting liquid that has the strength of dynamite. Do not drink this potion, then head out on a long road trip.
Tether yourself to the nearest toilet. It's not pretty but enough said. You get the picture. Actually, I hope you don't.
* * *
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" … "Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?" … If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit." … "Hey doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
DAVE BARRY'S COLON TRIP
One of the funniest articles I've ever read was written by Pulitzer prize winning newspaper columnist and author Dave Barry.
My favorite Barry book is, "Dave Barry's Guide to Guys," especially Chapter 6 about a total disconnect conversation between a guy and his girlfriend.
Read "A Journey Into My Colon – And Yours." With just a bit of humor, he describes his "nuclear laxative," a product called MoviPrep, and it goes downhill from there. You won't be disappointed.
* * *
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" … "Is there light at the end of this tunnel?"
A guy like me can't leave it alone, satisfied with colonoscopy jokes, without throwing in a little proctology humor. Back-to-front I guess.
Here's a true story you might find funny — at least if you're a guy.
So, years ago I went to the proctologist because I was having to pee all the time. The good doctor diagnosed, correctly as it turned out, that I might have an infection worthy of antibiotics.
So, with a total straight face, he said, "Here's what I want you to do, ejaculate (can we say that in the Sierra Sun?) nine days in a row, then take a day off, then have your blood work drawn and we'll know if you have an infection."
I complained to the humorless doctor that I would need a prescription or my wife wouldn't believe me. So he dutifully filled out a prescription as above.
I went straight home and told my lovely wife Marianne that the proctologist wanted her to take care of me for nine straight days, then she could take a day off, to which she replied, "Oh yeah, you have that in writing?" I said I did and handed her the prescription.
Out of an abundance of caution, I've since picked up several more prescriptions.
Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon licensed in California and Nevada, with offices in Truckee, Tahoe City and Reno. Jim's practice areas include: real estate, development, construction, business, HOAs, contracts, personal injury, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at email@example.com or http://www.portersimon.com.
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