Jim Porter: Courtroom bloopers – more of your favorites | SierraSun.com

Jim Porter: Courtroom bloopers – more of your favorites

You loyal readers always beg for "more legalese" — "more boring columns Porter," but every now and then we need to take a humor break. More courtroom bloopers:

• • •

Judge: Why did you kick Mr. Smith in the crotch?

Defendant: How was I supposed to know he was going to suddenly turn around?

• • •

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

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Farmer: That's right.

Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?

Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

• • •

Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?

A: No ma'am.

Q: Does that mean you consented?

A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.

• • •

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

• • •

The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff. "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight."

• • •

"The stolen car fairy?" – judge to a lawyer who said his client didn't know how a number of stolen cars had ended up on his property.

• • •

"Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in the Criminal Code." – judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders to leave an area, yelling "Sieg heil!" and goose-stepping away.

• • •

"He is a consumer of judicial services." – judge explaining the politically correct way to refer to a criminal.

• • •

"So how old is your twin brother?" – judge to a man who had stolen a car with his twin brother, and who had just identified himself as being 18-years-old.

• • •

"This isn't Let's Make a Deal. Do you see any doors up here?" – judge to a man who, when asked to choose between a large fine and a short jail term for an impaired driving conviction, wanted to know the range of each to compare them and then decide.

Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon licensed in California and Nevada, with offices in Truckee, Tahoe City and Reno, Nevada. He was the Governor's appointee to the California Fair Political Practices Commission and McPherson Commission, both involving election law and the Political Reform Act. Jim's practice areas include: real estate, development, construction, business, HOAs, contracts, foreclosures, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at porter@portersimon.com or at the firm's website http://www.portersimon.com.

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