Tahoe Pine Nuts: Tabasco – 2016’s fountain of youth
Having arrived at the 7th Tier, I attribute my longevity to good morals, good luck, and Tabasco, mostly Tabasco. My first introduction to Tabasco was at the University of Oregon Student Union Cafe, where a fellow Duck turned to his girlfriend and laid down a gauntlet.
“Let’s see who has the greatest pain threshold, McAvoy or me. I’ll start talking and take a spoonful of Tabasco every minute until I am forced to quit. Then McAvoy can have the same opportunity — here’s my stopwatch.”
Well, at this point in my development, I was not familiar with Tabasco, so I agreed to the terms and invited my comrade to commence.
His lady friend started the stopwatch and he launched into a discourse that was flawless in content and delivery, until he took a second spoonful of Tabasco, and a tear welled up in one eye.
I made a note of it, but his lady friend ignored it and kept the stopwatch running. Next I noticed two large tears the size of billiard balls rolling down his cheeks. But his lady friend kept the stopwatch running and his speech seemed to flow along jaunty-jolly as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.
Then, abruptly, he seized-up with a violent attack of hiccups, which corked him up tight as a tick in a dog’s ear and stopped the watch at three minutes flat.
Then it came my turn. I took a spoonful of Tabasco and launched into some Mark Twain passages that I knew by heart, and which I was confident were hardwired and indestructible.
My goal was four minutes, and I was on my way to that mark when I took my second spoonful of Tabasco and started to sweat, not just at the forehead and under the arms, but all over. Then, without even excusing myself, I departed for the men’s room, where I discovered in the mirror, I was white as Satan’s refrigerator.
The stopwatch had stopped at three minutes, and we were tied. To this day I don’t suppose anybody has broken that record, and both of us have been hooked on Tabasco ever since.
So what does that tell us? Nothing, really, except that neither of us has ever been sick, whereas the lady who held the stopwatch and abstained from Tabasco, sadly, was graduated to glory ten years ago, on whom be peace.
So forget about Ponce de Leon and his fountain, Tabasco is the fountain of youth for the 21st century, which leads me to McAvoy’s Maxim…
At sixty, with a little boost from Tabasco, you will no longer give a farthing about what people think or say about you, and this is a healthful thing.
And at seventy, with a little boost from Tabasco, you will accept that people are no longer thinking or saying anything about you, and this is a healthful thing.
Yes, my friend, Tabasco is the best medicine on the shelf today, and just could be the saving of us…
Learn more about McAvoy Layne at http://www.ghostoftwain.com.
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