Tahoe Pine Nuts: Testosterone – the world’s worst menace | SierraSun.com

Tahoe Pine Nuts: Testosterone – the world’s worst menace

McAvoy Layne
Special to the Bonanza

Where love makes the world go ‘round, testosterone causes it to spin out of control, and yet testosterone seldom gets caught and never takes the blame.

Fact is, we don’t need laws against guns in this country, what we need is a law against testosterone.

Sure, we need background checks and mental health checks, but more importantly we need testosterone checks.

In full disclosure, I had one semester of pre-med 54 years ago and I’m still on academic probation, so I might be tilting at windmills, but it’s my contention that the perpetrators of the many mass shootings in this great land of ours were off the charts in their androgen sex hormone count when they committed their atrocities.

Moving right along, do you want to know why I fear the Russian Bear? I fear Russia because I suspect Vladimir Putin is right up there with Genghis Khan in his testosterone count.

The Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim IL Sung? Ditto. Not to mention that Mr. Kim is just plain nuts.

Here at home, President Lyndon Johnson told noted historian Doris Kearn Goodwin that he feared being called an “unmanly man” if he pulled out of Vietnam.

I call it the “more _____ than brains phenomenon.” I leave it to you to fill in the blank.

I’ve been told there is a steroid made from the testicles of Chilean bull sharks that spikes strength and excessive road-rage. Let’s hope that particular steroid never makes its way to New Jersey.

I also accept the argument that a low testosterone count could serve to create a vulnerable victim.

So I humbly propose that science designate a healthy testosterone range, whereby candidates for elected office should have to fall into that prescribed range, or fall out and do some reevaluating.

Recent research has found that the more fathers get involved with raising their children the lower their testosterone count. Not only is this good news for Mom and the kids, but it’s good news for Dad too, as his chance of contracting prostate cancer also goes down.

So, Dad, if you are hesitating to read “Where the Wild Things Are” for the third time today, do it. If you’re hesitating to have your toenails painted blue by your daughter, do it.

As our good friend Buddy Garfinkle tells us, “We have but one responsibility in this life, to raise a good person.”

If we were all to make raising our children our number one obligation, we would soon enough see a pronounced alleviation of gun violence, and diminishing numbers of refugees and migrants.

Responsible parenting and ardent educating will in time mitigate malevolence and allow us to attain our majestic potential.

But getting back to hormones, this country aside for the moment because we don’t want to get into politics just now, I predict that if we were to have female leaders of 200 nations, all at the same time, we would have amity.

Oh, there are detractors who tell me, “Yeah, but McAvoy, then we would be havin’ all them once a month five-day hostilities!”

Well, I’ll take five-day estrogen fueled hostilities over five-year testosterone fueled hostilities every time. Hormones being what they are, that is to say, unaccounted for, let us start to get a handle on them and try to control how they interdict in the course of human affairs.

To learn more about McAvoy Layne, who’s spent many of his years at Lake Tahoe impersonating Mark Twain, visit http://www.ghostoftwain.com.