Tahoe Pine Nuts: McAvoy’s Theory of Relativity | SierraSun.com

Tahoe Pine Nuts: McAvoy’s Theory of Relativity

McAvoy Layne
Pine Nuts

Science. I love science. Science is sublime. Science was my major in college, and I cannot to this day understand how I could have flunked science. "F-minus" was actually the grade I came away with, which hurt me, as I did not imagine in my wildest dreams that anybody would add a minus to an F, but Professor McNutty did exactly that.

Undeterred, I continued to stumble along, studying science on my own and reveling in the many awe inspiring discoveries of the day. Scientists at Harvard are now contemplating creating a synthetic human genome. Wow! That's me all over.

Einstein's Theory of Relativity? I could never quite get my arms all the way around it, so I came up with my own theory of relativity. I shall lay it out here in this fine family journal for you to weigh in on, and evaluate its merits…

McAvoy's Theory of Relativity

Time is not constant.

It is relative to our surroundings.

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In Hawaii a second lingers,

while a year flits away fast as a bullet train.

Why?

The present is intensified in Hawaii by heavy atmosphere

amplified by fragrance of plumeria & ginger,

causing months to mingle and merge

into one long slumbering Sabbath.

However, there are no seasons in Hawaii to bookmark

months and years, so they slip-slide away

without notice until they are gone.

Meanwhile, on the mainland,

seasons provide chapter endings to calendar months

that serve to extend a year in our mind's eye.

In the Hawaiian Islands you can savor the fullness

and ripeness of a second,

while on the mainland you can relish the breadth

and abundance of a calendar year.

So go and enjoy the ampleness and flavor of a second or minute in Hawaii,

or appreciate the protracted tenure of a month or year on the mainland.

You cannot have both.

There it is, my contribution to science. And I hope Professor McNutty, who gave me that F-minus in science at the University of Oregon so long ago, is still with us and will see that I have risen from the ashes and made a molecular contribution to science.

In fact, Dr. McNutty, if you are reading this, I want you to know how you inspired me to demonstrate to the world at large and the whole entire universe that I am a science guy who will not be denied.

Should I receive the Nobel Prize for my contribution to science I shall donate the cash prize to the science department at the University of Oregon, with appreciation and gratitude for the inspiration provided me by becoming the first science major in the history of science to receive not only an F, but an F-minus.

I shall start to work on my acceptance speech tonight…

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at http://www.ghostoftwain.com.