Dear Therapist: I deal with a lot of negative thoughts and feelings about myself and also overreact to things. I have considered seeing a counselor but don’t want to dwell on the past. I can’t change what happened. What if it just makes me more depressed to have to go back over memories from childhood?

Dear Don’t Want To Dwell: First of all, there’s no ‘have to’ in therapy. Therapy is about you and for you. You decide what to discuss in therapy and what you want to get from it. There are many therapy approaches that focus exclusively on present-day problem solving and developing new habits rather than processing past trauma. That said, the point of going into painful memories is not to dwell in the pain or leave you in a state of increased depression or helplessness. The point is to feel stronger, more capable and freer from negative thoughts and feelings about yourself.

The beauty of memory is that it can get updated by new perspectives. When we are children, we are only able to create a story of our life from our limited life experience. For example, if you had a parent who wasn’t engaged in your life or failed to demonstrate care and interest in you, you might have interpreted this to mean you are worthless. If you had a parent who said mean things to you, you might have interpreted this as meaning that you are bad. These interpretations are stored as memories.

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These memories formed at a time when we were too young to understand that maybe our parent was not paying attention to us because they were overworked or depressed or never learned how to be a parent. Maybe our parent was mean because they had been abused or maybe our parent was actually just a mean person. Maybe none of it had anything to do with you being worthless or bad. With this new perspective, we can actively update the memories instead of holding them stuck inside of us as unchanged and unquestioned beliefs.

Updating memories also allows us to be less reactive to things that aren’t actually a threat. Whether it’s road rage or losing your cool at work or shutting down in relationships, these reactions are happening because of our memories. When we experience situations where we feel overwhelmed by real or perceived danger, these memories don’t get stored in our brains like other memories. Instead, they constructed an alarm system that remains alert to anything that seems similar to the danger that occurred when we were younger.

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When the alert is activated, the fear and resulting fight/flight/freeze response can occur. Sometimes it’s obvious how the alert is activated, like if we were bitten by a dog and now our heart races when we are near a big dog. But more often, since our brains are complex, we end up with fears and reactions that might not make obvious sense. Updating this type of memory can take time and a skilled trauma approach because these memories are intertwined with our sense of bodily safety and survival. The memories can, however, be updated and the alarm system can be rewired.

I wish you the best, Don’t Want To Dwell, with whatever direction you take. No one should have to live with chronic negative thoughts about themselves or an overactive alarm system. Any type of counseling can offer relief. If you do decide to explore your past, you may be surprised how much can change about your life story even when nothing has changed.

Danielle B. Grossman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has worked with clients in the Truckee/Tahoe community for 20 years. She helps individuals and couples with their relationships, anxiety, grief, and struggles with food and addiction. Reach out at truckeecounseling@gmail.com or learn more at truckeecounseling.com