Grasshopper Soup: Binders full of women on strike
December 5, 2012
TAHOE CITY, Calif. – You think the war on women was bad. Now, rumor has it, there is a war on men. Uncle Sam isn’t the only one who wants you, now Aunt Pam wants you! Stand up and fight like a woman, or a bear, or a shark, or whatever it is that likes to wage war on men.Look out! Women are coming out of their binders to attack men! Successful business women in suits have binders full of men now, just so they can look at the pictures.I’ve been in women’s binders before. Sometimes I liked it and sometimes I didn’t. Some women even stuck me in there without using the hole punch first. They just clamped the three pincers shut and pulled on me until I tore through.The strange thing about the war on men and women is that it is news. We’ve known for thousands of years that men and women don’t always get along. The only thing new is now, in this new “war,” you can’t always tell the difference between one sex and the other. And both sexes have been victims of domestic violence.The war between the sexes is as old as the praying mantis and the black widow spider.We need to get back to traditional wars, where everyone wore uniforms. No more of this guerrilla warfare stuff. It isn’t fair. But war never is.War and peace between the sexes may even be more complicated, and more ancient, than war and peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians, or between other religions, imperialists, gold seekers and other children who won’t share their toys.A while back, In Self, a woman’s magazine, there was an article titled, “Treat Your Dude Like A Dog.” It may have been a secret intelligence document, perhaps in code, about special operations planned against men. Or, it may have been an article by a woman who loves dogs and men and waters and feeds them both equally. The author may even allow her dogs, and men, to run free in Paige Meadows, without a leash.It is time to stop watching TV, forever! There’s too much air time for television stations now that we have a 24 hour news cycle. To fill the time they have to make up their own news, and we listen to what they have to say and trick ourselves into thinking that we must have an opinion, and that we must take sides, if we are real men and women.We get so passionate about these alleged news stories, and the nation’s problems, real or imaginary, and become so infatuated with ourselves for caring, that we crusade to put an end to everything bad, unfortunate and unpleasant about human life on earth, and don’t realize that we are only beating our head against the wall. It is impossible to put an end to all of mankind’s (and womankind’s) most serious problems, like ignorance and poverty. Not to mention the fact that, in national politics these days, nobody wants to help the other guy fix the problem. They know it’s impossible so they blame each other. That is exactly what is happening in our nation’s capitol. As far as the nation’s problems are concerned, refusing to fix them only makes the problems worse. Politicians won’t do the hard work because they know they would start a war if they did. It’s a fluid situation.We all know what a fluid situation is. Hillary Clinton said that the investigation into the murder of our Libyan ambassador, and related events in the Middle East, was a “fluid” situation. No kidding. The Sierra Nevada are a fluid situation.History has been fluid ever since Adam and Eve were thrown out of the Garden of Eden, and ever since the missing link disappeared, or was found, or whatever happened to the chain. Or was it a tree? Weren’t we living in trees just the other day?Make sure you check your fluids. As long as we have enough power steering fluid, gas, oil and windshield washer fluid, we can keep the war between the sexes flowing smoothly.Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, former college instructor and ski instructor. He has a B.A. and an M.A.T. from Gonzaga University. He has lived at Lake Tahoe for 30 years.