Grasshopper Soup: Must be the season of the witch | SierraSun.com

Grasshopper Soup: Must be the season of the witch

Bob Sweigert
Special to the Sun

TAHOE/TRUCKEE and#8212; Halloween is creeping up on us and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, there may be one thing you can do. You can have fun. If you dare.

Just before dark on Monday, the living and the dead will hit the streets and threaten every house in sight, begging for treats to satisfy their tormented souls. No one can escape them unless you turn off all the lights and go out for the night. But that wonand#8217;t help. Wherever you go, they will find you. If youand#8217;re lucky, candy will make them go away.

Then the darkest darkness will fall. Your eyes will play tricks on you, and you will not know friend from foe. Evil spirits will haunt you in the comfort and safety of your own bed while you sleep. They will shake your bed and you will freeze with fear. You will sense their invisible presence and be so frightened your skin will crawl, and tingle with the cold chill of the grave.

Strange creatures, trapped between this world and the next, can already be seen on the sidewalks stalking the stores in Tahoe City; frozen zombies waiting for the night when they will come alive and unleash their deadly horrors on unsuspecting mortals. These zombies resemble Occupy Tahoe City protesters, but they are much worse.

Truckee probably has its own share of the creepy, living dead, but Iand#8217;m not going to drive over there to find out. Iand#8217;m staying home where it is safe. Or where I think itand#8217;s safe.

Meanwhile, in a strange land run by slightly confused witches and warlocks, there was a school principal who was the most wicked old witch of all. She was as pudgy as a pig and had thick black hair. She was so wicked she did not believe children should have any fun celebrating Halloween and other holidays. Children, she thought, should be slaves to her mad fantasies, and obey her every whim and command.

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The head warlock, who was the leader of the land, had said his opponents were devils who wanted to pollute the air and water, and that he and his fellow witches never did anything wrong, like drive cars that pollute the air, or cover their bodies with sunscreen and swim in Lake Tahoe so their greasy lotion made poisonous little oil slicks on the clear blue water. The head warlock liked to say he and his imperial witches, not their opponents, were the only ones who cared about dolphins, forests, people and the planet.

The wicked old witch and her leader conspired with the dead in a seance to control the minds of the children, but neither one of them could read the tea leaves and bat wings in their boiling cauldron of bile if their lives depended on it. The children snickered at the thought of the old witch and her leader trying to cast a spell over them. The old witch decided to punish them all, and so she banned Halloween. She told the children they were not allowed to wear costumes to school or eat orange and chocolate cupcakes.

But before she could cast her spell on them, the kids said, and#8220;Stuff it, witch!and#8221; and wore costumes to school on Halloween anyway. They put up orange and black decorations all over the school. They had plenty, because they were San Francisco Giants fans. When the old witch tried to stop them they shot her with tons of that silly string spaghetti stuff. The wicked old witch was trapped on the floor in the hall in a colorful web of fun, and there was nothing she could do about it. She howled like a banshee.

She hired the ACLU and filed a lawsuit to ban Halloween forever. They made up some story about the separation of church and state but, during one of their meetings, all their cell phones, I-pads and smart phones turned into monsters and separated the wicked old witch and her lawyers from this world by eating them. After they devoured everybody the monsters all died too, from food poisoning, but returned on Halloween.

Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, former college instructor and ski instructor. He has a B.A. and an M.A.T. from Gonzaga University. He has lived at Lake Tahoe for 28 years.