Grasshopper Soup: Starting the new year off right | SierraSun.com

Grasshopper Soup: Starting the new year off right

Bob Sweigert
Special to the Sun

TAHOE/TRUCKEE and#8212; What a fun New Yearand#8217;s Eve! I saw a big, muscle bound guy trying to escape from a woman who wouldnand#8217;t stop screaming and yelling at him and poking him with her finger. After a moment of calm, and assurances that hostilities had ceased, Mr. Muscles went back to his dinner table and engaged in battle with the womanand#8217;s tribe again. Instantly, platoons of heifers and bulls were screaming and yelling, and furniture was flying. It probably all started with an inflexible discussion about politics.

Mr. Muscles was on the floor, on top of someone, and a herd of heifers was on top of him, cheering him on and trying to pull him off. Somehow, Mr. Musclesand#8217; victim, an older and smaller bull, managed to escape from the bully hulk. Fortified with testosterone and other chemicals, the smaller bull wanted back in the fight, not caring that it was a suicide mission. The typical exchange of insults took place that canand#8217;t be printed here, and everyone in the joint was on their feet watching the stampede.

As you might suspect, the story doesnand#8217;t end there. But first, this message from the Hispanglos Africasiandians, your favorite political party of choice. If you havenand#8217;t heard of the Hispanglos Africasiandians (Hissies, or Hissy, for short), you have now. They represent a fully united America, which explains why they are fictitious.

The New Yearand#8217;s messages from the Hissies are, and#8220;Government As Usual,and#8221; and#8220;Hope and Chanceand#8221; and and#8220;We Will Give Every American Every Opportunity They Deserve.and#8221; The current president must be a Hissy because he said that last week. In politician-speak, it means with a little luck, and if everything goes right, you have a chance at a chance.

The Hissies reserve the right to tell you what you do or donand#8217;t deserve, and what your chances are. They have an excuse for every situation if, by chance, they fail to deliver on their promises. If you donand#8217;t get what they say you deserve, they will be happy to sell you a perfectly good excuse, or a chance at a chance, even if there is no excuse for you.

Donand#8217;t forget the most important political slogan, and#8220;The American People Want and#8230; whatever.and#8221; Who knows what the American people want? They all want something different. But the Hissies have the perfect plan to solve that problem. They will criminalize beginning a sentence with, and#8220;The American people want and#8230;and#8221;, or using similar words in any part of any sentence, under penalty of permanent exile to Antarctica.

Warning! Politics can cause unusual dreams (have you ever had a dream that wasnand#8217;t unusual?). If you experience an unusual dream lasting longer than four hours, you are lucky you didnand#8217;t wake up. Horizontal dysfunction is better than an erect nightmare.

If your New Yearand#8217;s resolution is to develop more personal character, just remember, everybody has character. There are so many things in life that build character, and life is full of all kinds of characters. Adversity is one of the best character builders, even better than the highest paid screen writer. Adversity builds character. If you donand#8217;t have character, or you want more, I wish you all the adversity you can get in the new year to accomplish your goal, and plenty of good fortune for your efforts.

Here are some more suggestions for the new year:

Like whatand#8217;s his name said, when you come to a fork in the road, take it. And, congratulate yourself just as much when you break a new yearand#8217;s resolution as you do when you keep one. Enjoy life either way.

Oh, about the wild bulls and heifers. Most of them got away before the cops came. Mr. Muscles and the primary female suspect were rounded up and turned over to the Hissies, who shipped them off to Antarctica without a trial. They had their chance.

Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, former college instructor and ski instructor. He has a B.A. and an M.A.T. from Gonzaga University. He has lived at Lake Tahoe for 28 years.