Jim Porter: Courtroom bloopers II
Special to the Sun
TRUCKEE/TAHOE, Calif. and#8212; Here are more courtroom bloopers and#8212; funny verbatim testimony.
Then what did you do?
I began kicking in the door.
Were you wearing boots?
Yes sir, size 12.
How many times did you kick the door?
What was Sergeant Harp doing while you were kicking the door?
Laughing at me.
Two police officers extracted a confession from a suspect by advising him the Xerox machine was a lie detector. First they put a colander and#8212; a salad strainer and#8212; over the suspectand#8217;s head and wired it to the duplicating machine. Then, under the Xerox lid they placed a slip of paper reading and#8220;he is lying!and#8221; Every time the suspect answered a question, an officer would press the duplicating button and out would pop a Xerox and#8220;He IS lying!and#8221; Finally shaken, the suspect told all. His confession was thrown out by a judge who was not amused.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Court: And why is that?
Def: Because the PD isnand#8217;t interested in my case.
Court (to public defender): Do you have any comments on defendantand#8217;s motion?
PD: Iand#8217;m sorry, your honor, I wasnand#8217;t listening.
Court: OK. When you heard about this case, did you form any opinion about the defendantand#8217;s quilt or innocence?
Juror: Not really. I just assumed that he had committed the crime.
Court: Were you ever in the service?
Juror: Yes, the Navy.
Court: How long?
Juror: 29 days.
Court: Without going into detail, why were you discharged?
Juror: They found out I was allergic to wool and sea water.
Counsel: How do you feel about criminal defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Counsel: Well then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: What makes you think that, I hate prosecutors too.
Court: is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I donand#8217;t want to be away from my job that long.
Court: But canand#8217;t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I donand#8217;t want them to know it.
Counsel: Is there anything about your physical condition that might make it difficult for you to serve in this case?
Counsel: You donand#8217;t have doctor appointments today or the next couple of days?
Counsel: Do you have any physical problems with your pregnancy?
Juror: Iand#8217;m not pregnant.
Counsel: Do you have any sort of medical disability?
Witness: Legally blind.
Counsel: Does that create substantial problems with your eyesight as far as seeing things?
Were you leaning up against the shut door or open door?
A shut door. How can you lean against an open door? Thereand#8217;s a hole there. Youand#8217;d fall through the hole.
Counsel: When did they have a knife at your throat?
Witness: That was a figure of speech.
Counsel: So they had a figure of speech at your throat?
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Thatand#8217;s the only kind I know.
Although somewhat large for his age, Tony appears somewhat smaller than he actually is.
Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon, with offices in Truckee, South Lake Tahoe and Reno. He is a mediator and was the Governorand#8217;s appointee to the Fair Political Practices Commission and McPherson Commission, both involving election law and the Political Reform Act. He may be reached at email@example.com or at the firmand#8217;s website http://www.portersimon.com.
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