Law review: Bulwer-Lytton 2022 winners part two (Opinion)

Jim Porter / Porter Simon
Jim Porter

As a reminder: the Bulwer-Lytton Contest is named after novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton who wrote many famous novels including “Paul Gifford” which started with the immortal words (often parodied), “It was a dark and stormy night.”

– The Contest rewards rookie writers composing intentionally bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. These are some of my favorites.

– Jimothy walked into the joint like he owned the place, which he did, but not like a typical owner of a place like this; more like a classy, silver spoon owner, except not classy like wearing tuxedos to horse dancing and equine NASCAR event classy, but an eating a gas station hotdog with a knife and fork, napkin on his lap kind of classy.

– Winning the Kentucky Derby was something Conrad had dared not dream of a mere twelve months ago because twelve months ago, he didn’t even own a horse but now he did, although to be perfectly honest, it was not the type of horse that had any chance of winning the Kentucky Derby which was why Conrad still dared not dream of winning the Kentucky Derby.

– I’m very very good and I know this because momma told me and all her bridge friends that I was an angel she got when the stork dropped me from the sky and she says I’m such a good girl so if you want to be with a real honest to goodness angel tonight come on down to the corner of Bitcoin and Pussycat Way for a very special time with an angel who accepts American Express.

– Clear, plump jellyfish lay scattered across the beach, like so many discarded breast implants.

– When Sandy left him, Buck tried as he might to carry on, but he couldn’t help feeling thrown away like last night’s pork chops, except instead of pork chops, he had had deep dish pizza the night before which was even better warmed up and he was looking forward to having it for lunch so the analogy totally didn’t work.

–  As he hacked through the dense undergrowth and tangled bushes in search of the marauding big cat, Desmond heard something rustling in the vegetation behind him, so he turned around, brandishing his machete, only to find Susan with a mug of tea telling him dinner would be in half an hour.

-Three bears arrived at their den to discover a yellow haired girl sleeping, and as she was neither too hot nor too cold, neither too soft nor too hard, but just right, they ate her

– These stories, my children, are about Prince Charming and his three girlfriends: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella.

– It was a Dark ‘n Stormy night: Dark n’ Stormy cocktails were half-off at Tata’s, the breast-themed barbeque chicken restaurant.

Jim Porter is a retired attorney from Porter Simon licensed in California. Porter Simon has offices in Truckee California and Reno, Nevada. These are Jim’s personal opinions. Jim’s practice areas included:  real estate, development, construction, business, HOA’s, contracts, personal injury, accidents, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at

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