Law Review: Very funny quotes about aging (Opinion)

Jim Porter / Columnist
Jim Porter

I seldom reprint online articles in the Law Review but found this funny enough, at least if you are old like me, to republish, so with apologies, here goes.

“To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” Oscar Wilde

“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.” Will Rogers

“We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars — more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.” C.S. Lewis

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” Golda Meir

“I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” Bill Dane

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.” Mark Twain

“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” Tom Wilson

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.” Phyllis Diller

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” Rita Rudner

“I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” Phyllis Diller

“Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” George Burns

“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get backup.” John Wagner

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” Leo Rosenberg

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” Kitty O’Neill Collins

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” Robert Orben

“It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” Unknown

“At my age, flowers scare me.” George Burns

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.” Unknown

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us … at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” Ann Landers

“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” George Burns

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” Robert Brault

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” Unknown

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” Andy Rooney

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” Larry Lorenzon

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” Lee Trevino

“You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” John Mendoza

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.” George Carlin

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” Bob Hope

“I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?” Barry Cryer

“I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.” Anonymous

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. Then, you only have to remember it.” George Burns

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” Maurice Chevalier

“Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.” Conan O’Brien

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” Albert Einstein

“Grand children don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” J. Norman Collie

“You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” Hy Gardner

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” Mark Twain

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” Joel Plaskett

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” Dennis Wolfberg

“I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.”

Josh Billings

“At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.” Unknown

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” George Burns

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.” Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” George Burns

“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” George Burns

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” Anonymous Jim Porter is a retired attorney of Porter Simon licensed in California. Porter Simon has offices in Truckee, California and Reno, Nevada. These are Jim’s personal opinions. Jim’s practice areas included: real estate, development, construction, business, HOA’s, contracts, personal injury, accidents, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at

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