No blow-up dolls from "Brokeback Mountain"
January 11, 2006
“It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled seas of thought.” – John Kenneth Galbraith I’m not big on conspiracy theories but I’ve got a good one, a dangerous one concerning an entity that exerts the largest influential power on earth. I believe that the U.S. government is using Hollywood to divert our attention and warp our opinions regarding fantasy and reality.
Every now and then, a movie comes along which causes quite a stir, resulting in it being banned from certain theaters. My theory is that these movies are purposely used as a diversion so we’ll avoid thinking about those movies that truly have a perilous dose of reality. What brings this topic to mind is the recent controversy over the movie “Brokeback Mountain,” a “love” story of two cowboys (to clarify, two hot cowboys dressed in tight fitting Wranglers that definitely emphasize their best features) finding comfort and a strong bond among one another while working the beautiful cowboy country.This movie would not have been banned if there were any reality behind it whatsoever. I mean how destructive is it to society to see a couple of darn cute cowboys cuddling? Overly controversial movies such as this one serve as a decoy for our shallow entertainment-minded culture. A decoy that draws our attention away from those science fiction or fantasy movies that are indeed the real danger.Another movie that has been banned in the recent past is “Fahrenheit 911.” It was banned because it was no real threat and served as a lure so we wouldn’t contemplate the truly destructive film, “Men in Black.” And it worked. People were so wrapped up in blaming President Bush for terrorist attacks that they weren’t paying attention to the government’s cover-up of aliens infiltrating our everyday society. It’s brilliant really. President Bush took the hit for us on that one.
To further confirm my suspicion, let’s consider some of the top movies of 2005. Our government is obviously in touch with the secret underworld of wizardry among children as portrayed in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” and is trying to cover up the reality by making fun of it. Creating jelly bellies, action figures and stuffed animals of Harry Potter characters in an attempt to discount the truth. Where are the figurines and blow up dolls of the two gay cowboys? Another top movie of 2005 was “War of the Worlds,” a long line of movies confirming the existence of aliens. If this movie were banned, people may get suspicious of the actuality of all the aliens secretly mingled throughout society. As long as it’s all out there in the open, we discount it as false.How about “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?” How sick is it that we as a society tolerate this modern-day slavery of Oompa-Loompas, not to mention the calamity we have in this country with childhood obesity. You may as well load up the children with chocolate bars in one hand and cases of Marlboro Reds in the other.Think your “normal” looking neighbors can’t be dangerous assassins like “Mr. And Mrs. Smith” ready to disintegrate the entire neighborhood over a little tiff? Don’t be so naive. It’s not the gay cowboys we have to worry about. All of these movies should’ve been banned from our fragile culture. Don’t even get me going on “Star Wars” and “The Chronicles of Narnia.”
One irony that confirms my suspicions is that “Brokeback Mountain” was banned from a popular theater in Salt Lake City, Utah. Salt Lake City has recently been named one of the most “gay-friendly places to live” according to a new book by Gregory Kompes, which rates the top 50 gay-friendly places to live in the United States. And Scott McCoy, the only openly gay state senator in Utah, hails from Salt Lake City, where he drives about town with a personalized license plate reading “The Gay.” Why would one of the most “gay-friendly cities” in the U.S. ban this movie, I ask you? Because the government screwed up on this one and didn’t do their research. They should’ve banned it in a redneck place like Austin, Texas (oh, wait, that was on the gay friendly list too), or Nashville, Tenn. (uh, that city appear to be “gay-friendly” as well), or Boulder, Colo. (oops, strike three.) Okay, they should’ve banned it in Laramie, Wyo. to make it believable. I KNOW Laramie is not on that top 50 list.When you see gay cowboy toys in your child’s Happy Meal, gay cowboy photos on your child’s light-up sneakers, gay cowboy trivia on the back of your cereal box, or those gay cowboy blow-up dolls, then you’ll know it’s time to worry. But before you do start to panic, call me first and let me know where to get the blow-ups dolls (for conspiracy theory purposes only, really).E-mail Kerri McInnes at firstname.lastname@example.org.