Getting back to the light side of the law
August 21, 2008
Okay, okay, we have been a little too serious lately. We need to lighten up. Seriously. We’ll save the tax code update column for another day.
I think I have read all of Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Dave Barry’s books. My favorite is “Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys.” His novels are a little too silly for my liking.
But I’m telling you, you MUST READ his colonoscopy column. It’s probably the funniest thing I’ve read in 10 years. Funnier than my own unfortunate sigmoidoscopy twice then colonoscopy story.
His column is titled A Journey Into My Colon ” And Yours. It can be found at http://www.miamiherald.com/548/story/427603.html, or ask me and I’ll forward it to you.
Dave started his column explaining how he heard about an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon that was on a nationwide tour promoting awareness of colo-rectal cancer. Then his brother urged him to get an examination because he had just been diagnosed with cancer. Dave was 60, having put off the exam for 10 years.
He explained how he started the procedure by taking a product called MoviPrep which he described as a “nuclear laxative.” He goes on to embellish his MoviPrep evening on the commode. His narrative gives new meaning to the term “toilet humor.”
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Dave explains his constant fear that a doctor was going to “stick a tube 17,000 feet up my butt.” He described the many forms he had to sign (that’s our legal tie-in to this outrageous column) and “those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts … which make you feel even more naked then when you are actually naked.”
Read Dave Barry’s colon column ” especially if you are 45 or older.
In recent months I’ve received over 5 billion emails about our sitting president. One or two were positive ” if you give the benefit of the doubt to the President.
Here are some bumper stickers from the Internet that are pretty funny ” depending on your political point of view:
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That’s OK, I Wasn’t Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let’s Fix Democracy in This Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber
6. If You Can Read This, You’re Not Our President
7. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
8. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
9. They Call Him “W” So He Can Spell It
10. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
11. Bush: God’s Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
12. We Need a President Who’s Fluent In At Least One Language
13. We’re Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
14. Is It Vietnam Yet?
15. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
16. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him
17. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
18. Pray For Impeachment
19. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
20. What Part of “Bush Lied” Don’t You Understand?
21 At Least Nixon Resigned
22. Somewhere in Texas a Village is Missing an Idiot
23. At Least We Are Winning the War on the Environment
Top 10 most positive ways to say your zipper is down ” better than the old standard: “your barn door is open”:
– The cucumber has left the salad.
– Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
– You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
– Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
– Elvis is leaving the building.
– The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
– Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
– You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
– Men may be From Mars … but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped…
– I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!