Grasshopper Soup: Don’t let tax time ruin your spring
April 7, 2009
It’s tax time, and the government needs your money, pronto. But don’t worry about it. You still have about a week to organize all your receipts and tax forms for the big accounting. That’s more time than the government spends deciding how to give away trillions of our tax dollars. You’ll even be able to actually read your tax form before sending it in.
Before you seal the envelope, don’t forget to throw in a few tea bags. Either that or send them a few grand more than you are required to pay. And tell them they can do whatever they want with it, no strings attached. They can even use it to pay big bonuses to Acorn workers, you know, that voter registration group that is under investigation all over the country for voter fraud.
Include a letter with your tax return this year requesting a personal bailout for yourself and your family. If they authorize it and send you one, send it back. Make those bureaucrats work for you. Keep them busy. They are going to multiply like crazy under the new administration and the new breed will need a lot of practice pushing paper. Let’s get them trained. Send in a blank tax form and ask them to fill it out for you. They have all our financial information anyway, don’t they? Let them figure it out. They’re honest. They work for Barack Obama. Yes, we can finally trust our government with everything.
Tell them you want your money to fund a study on the odor of pigs.
A study on the socially redeeming qualities of skiing is another worthwhile cause. Skiing can reduce crime, eliminate student behavioral problems in high school, put an end to the terrible scourge of cigarette smoking and possibly even stop random violence in the workplace. I am sure government experts would have no problem documenting such claims if it were in their best interest to do so. But they’ll need more of your money to pay someone to edit the reports so they can ensure the “proper” outcome.
I will also request that a new law be passed allowing snowboarders to call themselves skiers. Snowboarders should be given all the rights and privileges that skiers have, like being able to traverse high, speed through the flats and load and unload chairlifts without having to sit down or bend over to get in and out of their bindings. The new law will be called the Same Board Flex Act.
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Now that the world has been saved and all the Taliban and al-Qaeda want to do is come on over and do the Hokie Pokie with us, I feel a whole lot better. I’m sure they’ll get a big kick out of Twister too. And, on top of all that, it’s Spring!
Yes, romance is in the air. I got kissed on my cheeks two times (or was it three?) Monday night at the River Grill Bar in Tahoe City. I am not quite sure what provoked the cute blonde to kiss me, other than the alcohol. There had to be an age difference between us of at least 20 years. All I did was sit there looking handsome, intelligent and desirable, as usual. I’m sure I owe it all to our new president.
Of course, Spring will probably drop a foot of new snow on the ground by the time this column gets in the paper. That’s the kind of Spring we like around here.
It is amazing how often I hear visitors complain about the skiing. Obviously they have not been touched by Obama’s magic wand. Tell them our snow condition motto around here is, “If it’s white, it’s right”.
Get your priorities in order. Ski first. Work and do taxes later.
If we get snow this week it will be especially for me. I have not skied once yet this year because of my leg and ankle surgeries last year. But I plan on getting in at least one day this month, and it will be the best ski day of the year, again.
Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, ski instructor and commercial driver. He’s lived at Lake Tahoe for 25 years.