Grasshopper Soup: Equal rights for all Grinches
December 23, 2008
Preparing Grasshopper Soup for Christmas Eve is an enormous responsibility. You deserve a simple, inspirational bowl full of child-like wisdom and laughter.
Unfortunately, there’s just too much insanity out there to ignore. Every week I think, if only everyone would behave themselves I could just write nice, fun stuff. Instead, I feel obligated to comment on all the Grinches around me. Besides, you don’t need me to tell you anything. You guys know what’s going on. Well, most of you.
Many, many years ago I was driving the Valley Ski Shuttle in Squaw Valley for the Resort at Squaw Creek. There was a driver’s microphone on this particular bus. You couldn’t ask for a more dangerous pair, me and a microphone. It was during Christmas week and I decided to tell this joke: In a little Catholic school some kids were learning the song Silent Night, and their teacher, a nun, combined her art lesson with the song.
The kids were to draw a picture from the song. As they busied themselves with crayons, the nun paced up and down the aisles praising their work. She noticed that little Johnny was drawing what looked like animals, a woman and a little baby in a manger with straw.
But, taking up over half the paper, Johnny had drawn what appeared to be a very large man with an enormous, round belly. At first the nun thought it was a snow man, or Santa Claus, so, pointing to the unusual figure she inquired of the young artist, “Johnny, this is very good, but who is that?” Johnny quickly replied, “Sister! That’s round John virgin”.
The next day I was called to the manager’s office. Apparently there was one person on the bus who didn’t laugh at my joke. In the true spirit of Christmas, that Grinch made a formal complaint against me. With glee, I confessed to committing the terrible sin.
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The Grinch this year is an atheist who wrote a statement which the governor displayed next to the nativity scene at the state capitol in Olympia, Wash. It says: “This is the season of the winter solstice. May reason prevail. There are no gods, no angels, no devils, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”
Reason did not prevail in composing the statement. If reason can’t prove the existence of God, reason can’t disprove it either. Even Grinches know that. But, I guess the atheist who wrote the statement has secret proof that God doesn’t exist. If only they could share it with the rest of us. Reason shmeezun.
Just in case you want to get me something, here is my Christmas list. First, I want equal rights for Grinches. I have the right to be married. I am 58 years old and most of the single girls in Tahoe are 30 years younger, but I want one.
Maybe Jerry Brown can help me. If that doesn’t work I am going to knock on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s office door and demand that he give me my equal rights and set me up with the Tahoe chick of my choice. If that doesn’t work I am going to sue the state and argue my case before the Ninth District Court. Anybody who tries to stop me is a hateful, bigoted Grinch.
I also have the right to throw the first pitch at the World Series next year. I have the right to change my name to Donald Trump. And I want unrestricted access to, and full membership in, every exclusive club in the country. And, I want a new house and a $3 billion bail out.
And I want the right to host Saturday Night Live at least once before I die. Finally, I want the right to censor and/or incarcerate everyone who disagrees with me on anything. That’s not an unreasonable Christmas list, is it?
To everyone, including right and left wing extremist radical activists, and that elite class of Grinches who are so superior to the rest of us, those All-Knowing atheists, I have just one last thing to say: Merry Christmas!