Grasshopper Soup: God goes to court and all goes to the dogs | SierraSun.com

Grasshopper Soup: God goes to court and all goes to the dogs

Bob Sweigert
Grasshopper Soup

It is extremely interesting to me that people who demand the separation of church and state are the first ones to take the issue to court. The court is the state.

People who don’t have a problem with the free exercise of religion shouldn’t be dragged in to court to hear some hip cat deny the existence of dog. Not in America anyway. There is no free exercise of religion, dog obedience school or anything else when everybody is forced into court to split dog hairs.

If atheists don’t want the dog in the house, why drag him in? That’s what we have dog houses for. A government of the people, by the people and for the people leaves its dogs in the dog house. The dog is only sued to shut it up, and it never works.

Some people let their dogs bark all day and all night long. When people complain they blurt back with, “What’s the matter? Don’t you like dogs?” A dog barking all night will convert everyone into cat lovers against their will. Then the cats all go into heat at the same time and the noise gets worse.

Nobody is free in court. Even the judge has rules he has to follow. He has better things to do than sit around listening to some full grown adult obfuscate over what came first, him or the dog. Is the dog a girl or a boy? Could somebody check its collar please?

The dog just sits there, amused and silent. It didn’t do anything wrong. But the guy who dragged everyone into court insists that the dog’s existence be decided once and for all.

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I say, let the dog decide. He, or she, will lick, sniff and scratch and never give it an existential thought.

The atheist, the one who dragged everybody into court to prove that the dog is just a figment of their imagination, is the plaintiff. A plaintiff is defined as one who complains. He will leave the courthouse wondering why everybody has a dog but him.

Most dogs love it when everybody goes to church because then they have the house and yard all to themselves. They don’t have to listen to everybody argue about which dog is the real dog, the Presbyterian, the Catholic, the atheist dog, the Druid dog or if he has a license to exist.

Perhaps we should demand the separation of atheism and state, no bones about it. Put the dog outside and seal the doggie door shut with a stone tablet of the dog’s Bill of Rights, rewritten by a dog’s worst enemy, whoever that is.

Where I grew up church and state were always separate. The church and the state capitol were about ten miles apart. To get to the state capitol you had to go through an upper lower class neighborhood, an upper middle class neighborhood, across a river, through another upper lower class neighborhood, an upper upper class neighborhood, a historical site, upper lower skid row and past the theatre where my friends and I used to pick up chicks in high school. That was by the cathedral. I’m not sure if all those neighborhoods were separate or not. It didn’t make any difference to me at the time. Some houses had dogs, some didn’t.

The cathedral was the closest church to the capitol building. It was at least two blocks away. I don’t know, maybe that’s too close. The dogs seemed fine with it.

We went to church and the state capitol frequently when I was a kid. Never once was I treated like a dog by either one. We did have several dogs when we were growing up, all Irish Setters. I think they were Catholic. But they never went to church with us. They weren’t allowed at the state capitol either. They were so oppressed. But they never took us to court for anything. Thank dog, I mean God.