Grasshopper Soup: Have no fear, the Hissys are here | SierraSun.com

Grasshopper Soup: Have no fear, the Hissys are here

Bob Sweigert
Grasshopper Soup

Since Grasshopper Soup began in the Sierra Sun there has been little mention of the Hispanglos Africasiandians. Formed on Oct. 2, 2003, the Hispanglos Africasiandians have revolutionized politics in America.

This new party of national unity has been highly influential on important local, national and international issues, such as the civil rights of skinny dippers and the basic right of all Americans to be ignorant, uninformed, gullible, selfish, illogical, overly emotional, superficial, egotistical, defensive, judgmental, pugnacious, stubborn, envious and greedy and still feel good about themselves.

The Hispanglos Africasiandians (Hissys for short) know how crucial it is to protect this basic right. The survival of the human species could depend on it.

Hissy scientists have conducted sweeping new research in Biology, Neurology and the interactive game, Twister, finding the best possible position on all issues facing mankind today, including the same sex versus traditional marriage dispute.

What they discovered is that, when it comes to reproduction, same sex couples can’t, well, you know, do everything. This led the Hissys to conclude that traditional couples are not the same as same sex couples. Who woulda thunk it? They noticed that traditional couples enjoy a highly turbo-charged, super union that same sex couples will never be able to experience. In other words, when traditional couples want to have children they can do it anywhere they want, but, if same sex couples want a child they have to go to a freezer in some sort of a bank vault, two of the most romantic places known to mankind.

You may have the biggest, finest freezer on the market, but it’s just not the same as baking your very own baby in a nice warm oven. These remarkable differences are converting even the most liberal scientists over to sharing more traditional cooking recipes.

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In studying the consciousness of fruit, the Hissys found that apples are jealous of oranges because orange is brighter than red. Apples also envy oranges for their unity of color. Since apples are different colors, red apples have an identity crisis and want to be called oranges. As a matter of fact, they believe they really are oranges.

Oranges resent apples because oranges have to be peeled to be eaten. Oranges say this makes them less desirable. So, oranges want to be apples, and are sure they really are.

The Hissys agree, as long as fruits feel better about themselves and there are still apples and oranges, and neither insists on being called a donut or a screwdriver.

The Hissys have considered changing the definition of all words. Marriage could be called a valve job or a hot wax, depending on the sexes involved. Black can be white, democrats can be republicans (or Satanists), Somali Coast pirates can be called community organizers and murderers can be called social workers. As long as somebody can explain why nothing makes sense anymore, there will be no confusion.

Hissy cheerleaders root enthusiastically for Americans to keep on fighting among themselves over every little thing, and make sure one of them always gets the shaft when resolving disputes. Fortunately, all shafts result in a positive self image, thanks in part to the public school system. The Hissys promise to give everybody the shaft. The deeper the shaft, the better you will feel about yourself at the bottom of it.

As for who got the deepest shaft in the Civil Rights Olympic race, the gold medal goes to the American Indians. The silver goes to blacks and the bronze goes to the homeless. Gays and lesbians were disqualified for whining, about a word, “Even if we get all the same rights as heterosexuals, we won’t be happy unless our hot wax is called marriage”. Therein lies the major difference. Blacks most certainly never demanded to be called white.

Gays do get a consolation prize. A box of Kleenex.

Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco, and president-elect Barack Obama played Twister together. Both immediately left the democratic party and are now big Hissys.