Is it time for a ‘Porter’ ticket?
August 5, 2003
I can’t stand it anymore.
I am tired of voting for “None of the above.” Volatile Senate President Pro Tem John Burton is bankrupting the state. Our recently re-elected governor faces the political scare of his political life – the ultimate humiliation – a recall.
I can’t screw up any worse than “those guys” in Sacramento. So, as of this moment, a “scoop” for our country newspaper: I am announcing to the world the formation of a Recall Exploratory Committee, to explore: (a) a run at Governor Gray Davis – will he be recalled; (b) Am I the people’s candidate; (c) Will the people contribute what is apparently needed for my campaign: $15 million; and (d) can it be done in four weeks?
I was prepared to outright announce my candidacy, but remembered that real politicians first form exploratory committees.
Larry Flynt put me over the edge. He has pulled papers for the governorship of the Great State.
The publisher of Hustler magazine – the one that comes in the unmarked, brown envelope (I think; which I add as evidence I don’t subscribe. Candidates can’t be too careful. Remember Gary Hart on “Monkey Business.” If not, it’s because he was not careful.)
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Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t scare me one bit. The Terminator is a plastic machine. The voters don’t want another plastic machine. Let the machines terminate each other, and I will be standing on Election Day. Apparently I won’t be alone.
There are likely to be hundreds of us running. Thirty-five hundred dollars and 65 signatures and we are on the ballot. What a joke. I carry that much in my wallet (which I never carry – if you carry a wallet you have to pay).
It won’t take much to get elected. To be conservative, let’s say 100 of us run (prognosticators are predicting 300, including a striptease dancer and a pig farmer). I could win with 5 percent of the vote. If everyone in Truckee and Tahoe City supports their local boy – me – I would have it in the bag. Governor Porter, Your Excellency. It has a nice ring to it.
Here’s how you can help. Register to vote, which is a good thing to do in any event. Let me know you are 100 percent behind my candidacy. Fax, call, e-mail – or just shout. Hold your money for now. If I get 20-or-so supporters, a respectable sampling number, that’s a mandate in this election. Then we’ll work on getting those 68 signatures.
A viable candidate needs a platform. One plank at a time. How’s this: “We Need to Reduce the Budget Deficit and Pay Legislators Less.” Can’t argue with that.
“Jobs for Everyone. If You Don’t Want a Job, So Be It, That’s Your Choice.” (Just don’t ask for unemployment).
“A Chicken in Every Pot, A Car in Every Garage.” Hmm, that sounds familiar.
“I Am Not a Crook.” We will set the high standard for the candidates.
“Speak Softly but Carry A Big Stick.” Teddy’s favorite slogan – so it’s mine too.
It’s time to get back to the committee to see what it’s learned. We can’t take this election lightly. A pig farmer, a striptease artist and a hustler – sounds formidable. We’ll keep you, the constituency, in the loop. Platform suggestions are welcome.
Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter-Simon, with offices in Truckee, South Lake Tahoe and Reno. He is a mediator and was the Governor’s appointee to the Bipartisan McPherson Commission and the California Fair Political Practices Commission. He may be reached at email@example.com or at the firm’s Web site, http://www.portersimon.com or by fax at 587-1316.