Jim Porter: More 2014 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest results
March 19, 2015
The Bulwer-Lytton contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels.
It takes its name from Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who began a novel with "It was a dark and stormy night." Seems like a terrific opening line to me.
Here are a few more of the 2014 Bulwer-Lytton winners. Awkward writing at its best. Read part one here:
Justin was happy, like a clam at high tide, but abruptly ending his musings he recalled that he had every reason to be happy (in his own small way) because he was a quahog and it was the highest of tides.
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As he strolled among the Kenthellians, through the wide parndamets along the River Elinionenin, thrimbening his tometoria and his Almagister's scrollix, he thought to himself, "Wow, it is sure convenient there's a glossary for made-up fantasy words on page 1048."
After years of Dame Gothel's tyranny, Rapunzel was only seconds from freedom, until, with an agonized scream, the prince plunged to his death in the thorns below, grasping a handful of detached blond strands—the golden stair having been irreparably weakened by the deficiency of Vitamins B3, B6 and B7 in his love's new celiac-friendly diet.
Cole kissed Anastasia, not in a lingering manner as a connoisseur might sip a glass of '82 La Pin, but open-mouthed and desperate, like a hobo wrapping his mouth around a bottle of Strawberry Ripple in the alley behind the 7-11.
The air-conditioner hummed like an over-sized bear eating a large salmon he'd fished out of the water and if you've never heard an over-sized bear eating a salmon, just imagine an air-conditioner humming and you'll know.
The spaceship hovered like a saucer, only rounder, deeper, the product of an unholy union between dessert plate and finger bowl, as any of the villagers familiar with traditional service à la russe dining could plainly see.
Pet detective Drake Leghorn ducked reporters at the entrance to the small hobby farm and headed down to the tiny pond where a lone goose was frantically calling for her mate and he wondered why — when so many come to look upon the graceful mating pair — why would someone want to take a gander?
Dr. Fulton Crisp DMD, stoic superintendent of the prestigious Northwoods Dental College, entered the symposium for new students, took the dias amid the clamor of the first day of classes, produced a #6 dental pick from a pocket, held it aloft for all to see and spoke the immortal words, "May I have your attention please, this is not a drill, repeat this is not a drill."
The Cisco Kid, Pancho, Hopalong Casidy, and Roy Rogers had all gone on to Tombstone to meet up with Wyatt Earp, leaving me on my lonesome in this one-horse town with not one cent in my britches, and my old nag Buster damn near puckered out, so I had to hook up with the loan arranger and pronto.
Every once in a while Cletus would feel the inconceivable, unintelligible force of loneliness come down from the far reaches of the cold, dark universe and crush him in a manner that left him pondering the significance of his sad, meandering existence in the face of this meaningless mass of nothing we call life, but not today, because today is Taco Tuesday.
The fluffy white clouds draped over the top of the mountain like a dollop of cream cheese icing melting down the sides of a hot cinnamon roll except without that alluring cinnamon roll aroma you get at the mall because, after all, this was a secluded mountain and erecting a mall in such a remote location would not be economically feasible.
I fell into my Swedish lover Sven's strong grip like a prime piece of organic mahogany held in the iron grasp of a log clamp on a wet November afternoon.
Jim Porter — A BULWER-LYTTON WINNER IN THE MAKING — is an attorney with Porter Simon licensed in California and Nevada, with offices in Truckee, Tahoe City and Reno. Jim's practice areas include: real estate, development, construction, business, HOAs, contracts, personal injury, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or http://www.portersimon.com.
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