Lawyer jokes are politically incorrect. The next best thing may be actual courtroom bloopers collected in Disorder in the Court.

Q: How many beers did you drink?

A: One or two.

THE COURT REPORTER: How many?

THE WITNESS: Well, maybe three or four.

Q: Did they ever serve you more than one drink at a time?

A: No, I can’t drink more than one drink at a time.

Q: Where were you?

A: I was in the front right passenger seat.

Q: What state were you in?

A: I was slightly inebriated. I was in good spirits…

Q: Were you in Illinois?

Q: Would you be able to perform any kind of work that you know of right now?

A: Sampling wine.

Q: Have you ever had your deposition taken before?

A: No.

Q: Well, it’s just like we’re sitting in a living room talking, except that you’re nervous and I’m not.

A: I have absolutely, positively no regard for the medical profession, and you may center that, underline it, and dot and dash it. I despise them; I loathe them; I detest them; I find them the scum of the earth. Other than that, I have no problem with them.

Q: Do you know if he paid the person who came in and poured the concrete?

A: I’ve never seen John Knight spend a dime. He holds a nickel so tight the Indian is riding on the buffalo’s back.

THE COURT: What is your occupation?

THE DEFENDANT: I’m a thief.

THE COURT: Thief, I see. How’s business?

THE DEFENDANT: It’s a little slow right now.

THE COURT: And how do you get along when you are not working at your usual occupation?

THE DEFENDANT: I’m usually in prison.

Q: And what did you see when [the accused] pulled down his pants?

A: It looked like a penis, only smaller.

Jim Porter is on vacation. Today’s Law Review is a repeat of a previous column.

Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon, with offices in Truckee, South Lake Tahoe and Reno. He is a mediator and was the Governor’s appointee to the Bipartisan McPherson Commission and the California Fair Political Practices Commission. He may be reached at porter@portersimon.com or at the firm’s Web site http://www.portersimon.com.