Tahoe Truckee relationships part 5: Is he a and#8216;Dude Kind of Man?and#8217;
November 16, 2010
TAHOE/TRUCKEE and#8212; Yes, there are and#8216;dude kind of womenand#8217;, too.
Itand#8217;s the same story. Everything is great, you really like this guy, and it seems like he is really into you. You have fun, you feel good when you are together, and you have excellent chemistry. Even your dogs like each other.
And then, just when you start telling people about your new (you are finally using the word) boyfriend and#8230; wham-o. Crash and burn time.
First, he doesnand#8217;t answer your call. And then he doesnand#8217;t answer your text. In the pit of your stomach you know and#8212; itand#8217;s happening again. But it felt different this time. You were cautious. You only started opening up your heart when it felt truly safe. What the heck happened?
Well, is he a dude kind of man? A guy who is great in the and#8220;hanging out with each otherand#8221; phase, but never quite moves beyond that? A guy who is wonderful as long as everything is mellow, as long as there are no expectations, and as long as itand#8217;s all good?
If that works for you, great.
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But if you want something deeper, a dude may not be what you are looking for. Even though a dude may be a fabulous mate at the beginning stages of a relationship, things will change when you start expecting more from him. If he bolts when you begin to show your needs for a more serious and intimate relationship, he may be a dude kind of man.
Iand#8217;m not talking about making ridiculous demands for commitment or intimacy when you are just getting to know each other. Intimacy takes time, time and more time. And Iand#8217;m not talking about using a guy to carry all of your emotional baggage and make you feel happy and satisfied all the time.
But how does he respond to the small steps toward intimacy? For example, when you are depending on him to show up at a certain time, does he do it? If he doesnand#8217;t, does he apologize and show up promptly the next time, or does he tell you to stop trying to control him? When you share with him one of your fears or worries and try to lean on him a bit, is he there for you in any way? (Remember, people have different ways of being there for others.) Or, does he get angry with you for bringing him down and being too emotional?
We all have our anxiety about intimacy. Shying away and even pulling away for a moment or even a few days is a normal reaction to a step toward increased intimacy. But, the question is, does he show up again, ready to move forward? Does he keep coming back, at increasingly intimate levels? Or not?
There are a lot of dude kind of men, and dude kind of women, in Tahoe. Being a dude is a perfectly reasonable way to live. Some dudes move out of dude-ness at some point and some stay dudes forever. Just donand#8217;t expect a person who wants to stay a dude to be anything other than a dude.
and#8212; Read Danielleand#8217;s realtionship series at sierrasun.com. Danielle B. Klotzkin, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, provides psychotherapy for clients who are looking for a way to move forward through relationship issues, problems with alcohol, drugs, or managing money, eating and body issues, trauma, grief and loss, depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety. Contact her at 530-470-2233 or truckeecounseling.com.