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Tahoe Pine Nuts: How not to cut your own hair

McAvoy Layne
Pine Nuts

Rule number one: Never, not even in a snowstorm, ask your roommate to cut your hair.

Rule number two: Never cut your hair after consuming a six-pack.

I picked up a hitchhiker in a snowstorm one day and he looked like somebody had cut his hair with a hedge trimmer. So I asked him, “Who cut your hair?”

He laughed and told me his roommate and he were down to their last twenty dollars. They both needed a haircut, but twenty dollars would not cut it, so they decided to buy a case of beer and cut each other’s hair.

As it happened, instead of cutting each other’s hair and then drinking the beer, they drank the beer and then cut each other’s hair … bad judgment … really bad judgment.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for a dozen years now, and think I’ve got it down. When you have curly hair, I’ve been told, your mistakes cover themselves up a little quicker than straight hair, so keep that in mind.

Here’s the secret … cut your hair fresh out of the shower while it’s still slightly wet. Use two fingers like a comb to lift a straight line of hair away from your scalp.

Now, here’s the tricky part … use the mirror to take a look at the lock you are about to cut, then close your eyes and make that cut with your eyes shut.

Do not, I repeat, do not, try to make the cut with your eyes open. If you try to use the mirror to make the cut, well, you will become one mixed-up Cigiliano. No, close your eyes, and then make the cut.

This will be a little awkward at first, but after a year or two, it will come easy to you and your hair will look like you want it to look, or close to it, anyways.

Should you get really good and want to consider acquiring a barber’s license, you are looking at a year’s commitment, 1,500 class hours, and about $10,000.

But let’s say you spend $30/month right now on haircuts and throw in a $5 tip. At $35 a month you’re spending $420 a year on haircuts, not counting gas and wear and tear on your vehicle.

So should you elect to cut your own hair today, you will be $450 ahead by this day next year. A portion of that first year’s savings I would humbly suggest you send to UNICEF to help the children in Haiti following Hurricane Matthew, on the heels of that unimaginable earthquake.

Finally, should you attempt to follow these instructions on how not to cut your own hair, and fail miserably, send flowers to your previous barber with apologies from both of us and resume his or her professional custom.

Besides, you will get more reliable information on how best to run the country from your barber than you will ever get while cutting your own hair.

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at http://www.ghostoftwain.com.


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