Tahoe Pine Nuts: The fine art of arm wrestling
Two contests I have never won are arm wrestling and a spelling bee. I don’t suppose I ever will win a spelling bee. I remember the last word that knocked me out, “penitentiary.” I spelled it “jail,” and had to take a seat.
But it’s not too late to win an arm wrestling contest, age-group anyways. So I’ve gone into training for a contest coming up in January.
If you should see me hanging from the doorway of a restaurant, please know that I am about to do a few finger pull-ups. I’m getting so good at finger pull-ups that I have been banned from the restaurants that I frequent. They tell me, “You’re holding up traffic.”
But here is the secret that is paramount to winning an arm wrestling contest. It is not in the arms, it is in the legs. Whoever has the longest legs can win, and I’ll tell you why. It’s fulcrum & physics.
If you can stretch your left foot out to where it is actually into the next room, nobody can beat you, but you must have extremely long legs.
The next thing you need do is build up the large muscle in your right arm, I forget what they call it just now. To do this you need to practice what they call, “curls,” with 16-ounce weights.
When I got my flu shot last month the lady who told me to roll up my sleeve almost fainted. “Have you had this thing licensed?!” she asked. Well, I haven’t, as yet.
Finally, and most importantly, in training for an arm wrestling competition, you need to perfect your trash-talk. That’s right, trash-talk is an essential ingredient to successful arm wrestling.
You need to be able to swear like the army at Flanders, like a fish-monger’s wife. Then, just before the contest begins and your hands are clasped tight, you look into your opponent’s eyes and shout, “Your shoe’s untied!” Follow that with, “Made you look!” Then slam his arm down before he knows what he’s about.
You will win every time, but don’t go strutting around the room like a dung-hill rooster, which is bad form. Just accept your three-inch trophy, shake everybody’s hand, and ask to borrow five dollars for gas to get home.
As a last resort, if I make the finals, I shall put a buzzer in the palm of my right hand that will go off when our hands lock. This will create shock & confusion and unnerve my challenger.
As mentioned, I have yet to win an arm wrestling contest, but I have gained a reputation for being an expert on training for arm wrestling contests, and so I am sought after for training tips from arm wrestlers around the world.
Please wish me luck with my contest in January. Hey, it’s a brand new year, let’s make it a happy one…
Learn more about McAvoy Layne at http://www.ghostoftwain.com.
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