There is only one thing North Korea is afraid of, and that’s the eruption of Mt. Paektu. The last time Paektu erupted it covered the entire peninsula with ash, and released 45 megatons of Sulphur, creating a year without summer for the entire planet.

The possibility of that happening again is the one thing that plants fear in the heart of Kim Jong Un, the same man testing a ballistic missile, perhaps capable of reaching the west coast of America with a nuclear warhead.

But guess what? Yours truly has just received a degree in Volcano Plumbing, the first of its kind, from the online University of Mt. St. Helens, a university I happened to stumble across while Christmas shopping for my Aunt Helen.

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The degree cost me a small fortune, yes, but I am now trained and qualified to put my ear to a volcano and tell you, to the day, when it will blow up, and as this information will be invaluable to Kim Jong Un, I fully expect to be invited to North Korea within the month to examine Paektu and deliver to Mr. Kim the information he so desires.

Now, here’s the catch … I shall accept an invitation to fly to Pyongyang and make the drive to Paektu, where I shall put my stethoscopic ear to the heartbeat of that volcano and make a notation in my journal as to the exact date of Paektu’s next eruption.

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This scientific journal I shall make available to Mr. Kim so that he can take necessary precautions, but not until he forfeits his nuclear ambitions and destroys his stockpile of chemical weapons. What else can Kim say but, “Okay, I shall draw down, now give me the journal.”

This sort of “non-governmental scientific diplomacy” is the wave of the future, as countries continue to withdraw into 18th century cocoons, and nationalistic hubris continues to flourish.

But the good news for today is that North Korea will draw down as soon as they receive my journal, and this is not fake news.

Readers of Pine Nuts take great comfort in knowing that I deal exclusively in malaprops, hyperbole, innuendos, double entendres and alternative facts. I’m known throughout Washoe as a beacon of half-truths, and a good historian where facts are not essential.

Once North Korea draws down I will most likely be asked to consider accepting a position as ambassador to North Korea, but I have bigger fish to fry. I secretly desire to become the world’s first, “Fearless Omnipresent Universal Leader,” or, “FOUL.”

This is what has been missing all along in settling disputes between cultures, countries and religions. There have been many wannabe’s to FOUL, one comes to mind that I shall not mention here by name as I do not want to get tweeted.

Actually, I could not be tweeted as I do not have a tweeter. The tweeter was designed for adolescent girls to communicate with other adolescent girls, and it’s working fine for them. Real men don’t tweet.

I shall sign off here with my new official worldwide salutation — e. Pluribus Macadoo, Dog Whisperer, Volcano Plumber & Fearless Omnipresent Universal Leader (FOUL).

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at http://www.ghostoftwain.com.