Pine Nuts: A cure for the gout |

Pine Nuts: A cure for the gout

A friend, gripped by a sudden and severe spasm of the gout this morning in our local coffee shop, entreated me through clenched teeth, “I know what caused this, I just know it.”

“What?” I sympathized. “Red meat?”


“Red wine?”


“What then?”

“Guess! Who has an ego bigger than a bread box, and possesses an organ in his chest that should act as a heart but is actually an eggplant?”

“Oh, I think I know.” I demurred. “And I’m happy to report, I happen to have a cure for such a spasm.”

“Well for Pete’s sake, get it out, and make it quick!”

“A Court-martial.”

“Court-martial, of course, why didn’t I think of that?”

“Probably because it’s a non sequitur.”

“Yeah … whatever … keep talking.”

“What we need right now is a court-martial for conduct unbecoming a gentleman, and we don’t need a congressional investigation for evidence of culpability, it is already signed, sealed and delivered in the public record.”

“Talk faster …”

“The Uniform Code of Military Justice is applicable from private to commander in chief, and while a president can still preside following a court-martial, he will no longer be commander of the armed forces. Sufficient charges and proofs are innumerable, but let me mention the first baker’s half dozen that come to mind …”

1. Unremorseful philanderer

2. Smugly offensive to the 31st degree

3. Speaks the truth only in moments of great aberration

4. The dollar is his god and how to get it his religion

5. Climate change denial makes him liable to charges of arson

6. Harvard, Yale, Stanford and Princeton have bequeathed us presidents, but this is the first president bequeathed to us by the National Inquirer

7. “I’m president and you’re not.” If that statement, made in an interview with Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes, is not unpresidential and imperious, it is unbecoming a gentleman.

“And, we know these three things about bone spurs. They can exempt you from serving in the military, though they cannot exempt you from being commander in chief of the military, nor can they exempt you from playing golf. Allow me to defer here to President Eisenhower …”

“God help the nation when it has a president who doesn’t know as much about the military as I do. You begin to see this thing isn’t wholly the defense of the country, but only more money for some who are already fat cats.”

“I like IKE … I’m feeling better already.”

“Good, take heart, I shall initiate court-martial proceedings myself this afternoon, but let us have a cup of coffee, then we can cure that gout of yours …”

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at

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