Pine Nuts: Too close to call |

Pine Nuts: Too close to call

There I was, strolling jaunty-jolly across Tahoe Boulevard, without a care in the world, and with a song in my heart, when a young lady decided to mow me down. Perhaps she never saw me, but either way, it looked to be “curtains” for me, and I did not have time even to pray.

I heard my mother’s voice, “Honey, did you remember to change your underwear this morning, because you don’t want to enter heaven with dirty underwear. Oh, and by the way, on an outside chance, might you remember how to run? Because if you do, you should probably exercise that ability right now.”

Well, not only did I suddenly remember how to run, but I might have set an age group record for leaping at the same time, because somehow she missed me by a gnat’s eyelash. And though you could not have slipped an ace of spades between my girth and her grill, by the Grace of God I escaped the “Summons” and lived to fight another day.

I needed a straight shot, and would have gone in search of one had I any money on me, for my heart and my liver were huddled together hugging each other.

I now have this new lease on life, and feel a need to do something praiseworthy to justify my extra inning in this ballpark. I don’t know what that something might be, but I’m going to keep swinging for the fences until I find out or strike out.

Tonight I walked over to our neighborhood lounge to unwind a little, and wouldn’t you know, the couple sitting one table over was talking about that very incident, and I could hear their every word…

“Honey, you would not believe what I saw this afternoon on my way home from work. I was stopped at the light on Village when here comes this old guy, crossing with the light in front of me, and all of a sudden, along comes this vehicle, racing up Village, and it makes a hard left, directly into the path of this poor old guy. My jaw dropped and I sucked up all the air in the cab, assuming he was a goner for sure. But Honey, here’s the amazing thing. This old guy, I would guess him to be in his mid-70s, makes this Beamonesque leap … do you know what I mean by Beamonesque?”

“Not exactly, but I have an idea.”

“Well, back in the ’60s, when the long jump world record was being broken by an inch at a time, Bob Beamon broke the world record by nearly two feet, so today we describe a spectacular human feat as, ‘Beamonesque.’”

“So what did this old guy do that was … Beamonesque?”

“What did he do?! He leaped almost out of his clothes is what he did; picture a flea leaping off a dog, and he landed, by the hair on his chinny chin, out of harm’s way!”

“Well, I just hope he recognizes his narrow escape for the miracle it was …”

I asked the barkeep to buy that couple a drink, and as I got up to go I scribbled a note on a cocktail napkin and placed it on their table as I passed by …

“He does.”

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at

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