Global warming and the implications for Heaven | SierraSun.com

Global warming and the implications for Heaven

Bob Sweigert

On April Fools day the line at the Gate of Heaven was infinitely long. A formidable angel, sitting at a gold desk in front of the gate, looked up warily at his next applicant, Al Gore.What on Earth have you done? demanded the angel.My name is Al Gore, sir, Im sure youve heard of me by now.The angels piercing, silent stare lasted longer than the Florida vote recount.Names dont mean diddley squat around here, bellowed the angel. Al shriveled up. An eternity passed before the angel repeated his first question.I warned everybody about the cataclysmic effects of global warming, sir, and told them what they have to do to save themselves, or else, he added, winking at the angel. And what have you done to save yourself, Mr. Gore? he replied, unimpressed.Well, I bought a big stash of carbon credits, sir.Carbon credits?Yeah, uh, sir, carbon credits. You see, I am in an important position of public service, which requires me to use more than my fair share of the Earths resources, so I buy carbon credits to offset the profound impact my life of leadership has on the planet. Movie stars are in the same boat. Carbon credits are selling like hot cakes. Its the latest thing, sir.Al was beginning to hold his head high again, boring the angel to death. He babbled on. My company sells carbon credits to people like John Travolta. We figure out how to clean up after the rich and famous, like, uh, me sir, he said, feeling mighty proud.The angel sat back in his chair, put his feet up on the desk and clasped his hands behind his head. Slightly bemused, he looked into the big stiffs eyes and spoke. You mean you were in an important position. In a flash the angel was up, looking him square in the eye. So, Al, are you telling me youre a crook, a politician or both?Just then, all hell broke loose. Stars and planets and galaxies exploded. American Idol went off the air. The stock market crashed. Donald Trump pulled his hair out. Las Vegas went dark. Not again, said the angel. Must be those damn terrorists and neo-cons at each others throats. Or maybe its the end of the world. I better go plug in the no vacancy sign. No cuts!An ACLU lawyer stepped out of line, yelling and waving his arms at one of the younger, seemingly innocent and less experienced angels left guarding the gate. No vacancy sign? What kind of place is this? You cant deny anyone access. What about the living? They have rights too ya know, same as dead people. We dont bother with such trivial distinctions around here, the angel explained. Living, dead, its all the same to us. Shut up and get back in line, he said, drawing his sword.The crowd began to riot. Everyone was arguing about who should get in. Fights erupted. God appeared. It was Judge Judy. I quit! Rosie ODonnell can have my job for all I care, she said, throwing her gavel, made of karma, accidentally killing O.J. Simpson, who hid his face and quietly moved to the back of the line.Al was scanning the universe for any sign at all that global warming caused the destruction he was witnessing. He could feel things getting hotter and hotter. Flames engulfed him. Hallelujah! God its good to be right. Hot Damn! What the? Uh oh, said big Al. Satan appeared as an angel hung a sign on the gate. It read, Help Wanted: CEO option to buy company.Hey, I have experience, rejoiced Satan. I used to work with your old boss.When can you start? inquired the angel. Nobody here wants the job. Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, experienced ski instructor and commercial driver. He’s lived at Lake Tahoe for 25 years.