Go forth and multiply, our nations survival depends on it
A new battle cry is being sounded from sea to shining sea, calling on all America to save itself from annihilation or, at the very least, conquest by fundamentalist Muslims. I dont know who started it, but I heard it on a major news program. The word is, Save America. Make babies. Where do I sign up? Does it matter that Im single?If we dont get on the ball soon we will be hopelessly outnumbered. Muslims are having babies at a much greater rate than Americans. The more people that are killed, the more people we need. Its sad but true.Fortunately, Americans are good at mass production. Make love so we can make war.I propose that we create a new branch of the military, specifically for breeding purposes. There would be a variety of positions to choose from. There would be no limit on tours of duty. Regular re-upping is to be expected, especially among the male volunteers. A large staff would be required. Millions of job openings would have to be filled.Making babies would sure beat reading the Koran, which is what some people insist we must do to foster peace between Islam and Christianity. Sounds nice, but I think the camel is already out of the barn. Pandoras box has been opened. Reproduction is our only hope. Im all for it. I was never in the armed forces and have since felt a little guilty for not doing my part to serve my country. Im too old for combat but Id be more than happy to perform my patriotic duty in more enjoyable ways. Id be willing to travel as much as necessary. I even have a name for the new military The Mounties.Conception takes time. Thats why we must be very pro-active in this new effort, and keep it up for as long as possible. If we start right away it would mean a major baby boom right around Christmas. That may be an inconvenient time. You know how we Americans hate to be inconvenienced. I am willing to make the sacrifice.We should also reinstate the draft. Send all the Big Time Wrestling, hockey and boxing fans first. They love violence. They would be good cannon fodder on the front lines. We can afford to lose them. It will prevent them from breeding and turning America into an idiocracy. Of course, it may be too late for that.All the babies born in December wouldnt reach fighting age until at least the year 2024, at the feisty age of 17. If World War III breaks out before then, we could lose the farm. The Muslims know this. I dont think theyll give us a time out. We might have to adopt Canadians instead.The new babies would get unlimited credit card debt and high mortgage rates for homes at the age of 7 in exchange for their service. We wouldnt want them to die for nothing.A war on American soil is not out of the realm of possibility. Frankly, I never agreed with the idea of fighting them on their turf instead of ours. Id rather fight them right here in the Sierra Nevada mountains, where they are the ones unfamiliar with the terrain. When it comes to the messy business of killing, I want the advantage. Our only other option may be to fool the Muslims into thinking we have completely changed our ways. We might even want to quit making Levis and tennis shoes. That would really make things hard for Al-Qaeda. What would they wear? Come to think of it, that may be a more effective strategy than making babies. Cant be too sure though. Lets be practical and implement the baby-making plan just in case.If a major global conflict is in our future we better be prepared for it. If not, at least we would be able to say we had a good time mobilizing. As long as we have fertile, fruited plains, and young women who roam them, we men must rise to the occasion. Our very survival depends on it. Go forth and multiply.Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, experienced ski instructor and commercial driver. He’s lived at Lake Tahoe for 25 years.
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