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Grasshopper Soup: A crash course in Grasshopper Soup

Today’s column is a random collage of excerpts from past columns (with a few fresh tid bits thrown in at the last minute). It is dedicated to the underground Grasshopper Soup Cult formed by fans who may or may not want to admit their robotic, zombie-like dedication to obtuse verbiage and who enjoy anonymity.

And to those of you new to Grasshopper Soup, thanks for reading. You could definitely use a crash course on Grasshopper Soup history and it’s contents.

Warning! This column contains free speech, partial profundity, frontal oddity and graphic impudence. Thank you for your confusion.



Grasshopper Soup has been around a long time. Ancient Aboriginal tribes like the ACLU’s (pronounced and#8220;@#*!and#8221;) and the PETA’s (pronounced and#8220;please eat ducksand#8221;) believed grasshoppers to be a source of Divine Intelligence. Early Europeans, while observing ancient tribes trying to catch panicked grasshoppers with their bare hands, were inspired to invent the prototypes for the Macarena dance, basketball, cheerleading, political conventions and Rock and Roll.

A Catholic priest once told me, and#8220;If you put a Roman collar on a flag pole women would be all over it.and#8221; That’s the first time I ever seriously considered becoming a priest.



Too bad you can’t put God on a leash. We wouldn’t have so many problems with lost socks and lint in our navels. God causes allergies too, but he’s at his best with missed putts and door to door preachers.

Freedom is a bad thing for America. Free people are uncontrollable. Human beings are the greatest problem facing mankind today. We just can’t all be free at the same time anymore.

There’s too many of us. People whose last names begin with A through M will be free Monday, Wednesday and Friday and names beginning with N through W will be free Tuesdays and Thursdays. X, Y and Z will be free on weekends. Hermaphrodites should be allowed to have a husband and a wife, marry themselves or remain double, I mean single, or whatever. Terrorists should be allowed to terrorize. It’s human nature. They can’t help who they are. We should be sensitive to that.

The evidence is overwhelming. We come from bears, not apes. How can we learn to live with bears if we have not yet learned how to live with each other? Can you call yourself a bear hunter when you already know where the bear is? Make up your mind as to which species you belong. A human identity crisis can be un bearable.

Be kind to animals. Don’t eat them. Let them go forth and multiply and overrun the planet so we can look at them and go, and#8220;Ahh!and#8221; Be especially kind to animals that eat people. You are not allowed to eat them back. On second thought, be kind to animals, for eventually someone will eat them.

Cars nowadays have more instruments than ever and#8212; TVs, global positioning devices, automatic diaper changers and recording studios. Drivers who hurry, or talk on their cell phones, don’t know their Kundalini chakra from aunt Lucy’s southwestern bean dip.

Every time I open my refrigerator I give us more reason to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Every time I take out the garbage I reap the profits of the most corrupt and ruthless business’ in the world.

To be perfectly and#8220;Greenand#8221; you must stay in one place. Traveling is bad for the environment. Save the planet. Don’t get married and don’t have kids. Don’t buy anything. Abandon your vehicle now. Move out of your home. Return to the earth. Live off the land. Meditate and levitate (that will get you off the land).

I become as still as a star. I seem to see everything completely, every pebble, root and flower from shore to mountaintops. It is as if I am still floating deep in the miraculous waters of Emerald Bay. Once you’ve been there you understand.

Thanks for installing the dam windows and fixing the dam roof. OK, you can close the dam gates now.

Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, ski instructor and commercial driver. He’s lived at Lake Tahoe for 25 years.


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