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Idiot criminals offer lawyer laughs

LAW REVIEW Jim Porter

The law gets a little burdensome from time to time. In fact, it’s always on the heavy side, so lets take a break and lighten-up.

I am not sure whether these stories are even true, but they could be, and they are guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

Ant-eater

A woman calls the poison control center. She is very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. She was quickly reassured that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. She was told to bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Airline airheads

About a year ago some airline employees of a major manufacturer decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747’s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a coast guard helicopter soon hovered overhead. It turns out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer working for the airline.

Brainless bank robber

A true story out of San Francisco (anything from San Francisco is believable): A man who wanted to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit receipt.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

A picture is worth… $40

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Robber i.d.ed himself

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Robber foils robbery

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waiving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Beer brains

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Fast food, slow thinker

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Mich. at 12:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast.

The man, frustrated, walked away.

Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter-Simon, with offices in Truckee, South Lake Tahoe and Reno. He is a mediator and was the Governor’s appointee to the Bipartisan McPherson Commission and the California Fair Political Practices Commission. He may be reached at porter@portersimon.com or at the firm’s web site http://www.portersimon.com.


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