Jim Porter: A couple of good laughs | SierraSun.com

Jim Porter: A couple of good laughs

Jim Porter
Law Review
By Jim Porter
ALL |

I feel like I have been letting you readers, if any, down in the humor department, so here are a couple of legal funnies. Not sure they are real cases, but who cares.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, and#8220;Mrs. Jones, do you know me?and#8221;

She responded, and#8216;Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.and#8221;

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, and#8220;Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?and#8221;

She again replied, and#8220;Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.and#8221;

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, and#8220;If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.and#8221;

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, and#8220;What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.and#8221; She went on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a large whiskey and headed off for a long, shower, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the shower, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

and#8220;They’re not hanging Wright tonight,and#8221; she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, and#8220;For the love of God, woman, don’t you ever stop?and#8221;

Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon, with offices in Truckee, South Lake Tahoe, Incline Village and Reno. He is a mediator and was the Governor’s appointee to the Fair Political Practices Commission and McPherson Commission, both involving election law and the Political Reform Act. He may be reached at porter@portersimon.com or at the firm’s web site http://www.portersimon.com.