Jim Porter: More 2015 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest results | SierraSun.com

Jim Porter: More 2015 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest results

Jim Porter
Special to the Sun

The Bulwer-Lytton contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. It takes its name from Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who began a novel with “It was a dark and stormy night.”

Seems like a terrific opening line to me. Send your worst writing for next week’s column.

Here are a few more of the 2015 Bulwer-Lytton winners.

* * *

When the corpse showed up in the swimming pool, her dead bosoms bobbing up and down like twin poached eggs in hollandaise sauce, Rancy decided to call the police as soon as he finished taking pictures of his breakfast and posting them to his Facebook wall.

* * *

I knew that dame was damaged goods when she first sauntered in, and I don’t mean lightly scratched and dented goods that a reputable merchant like Home Depot might offer in a clearly marked end display sale; no, she was more like the kind of flashy trashy plastic knockoff that always carries a child-choking hazard that no self-respecting 11-year-old Chinese sweat shop kids would ever call theirs.

* * *

The janitor’s body lay just inside the door, a small puncture wound below his right ear made with a long thin screwdriver, the kind electricians use and can often be found in the bargain bin at the hardware store and come with a pair of cheap wire cutters that you never use because they won’t cut wire worth a damn and at best will only put a small indent in the wire so you can at least bend it back and forth until it breaks.

* * *

The three Black Forest Elves, Twinklemann, Sparklemann and Von Dazzleberg, were sitting at their merry campfire, frying their wursts and hamhocks, slathering their rich black bread with the grease, drinking the icy magical Rhine-water and one of them at least puffing away on a pudgy little, elven-pipe, when who should show up but the OTHER famous elves Oberon, Titania, Gladadriel, Elrond, Tinkerbell, the Munchkin lollipop dude and that thing on the airplane wing in “Twilight Zone.”

* * *

In the forest of Thrangul, Dobo Snabeley stared at his guest companions, Bolto Dwaven, Eagle Thepnis, Night Hunter, and Lythan Elva, looking to a map of Husker-Du, Dobo knew they would traverse this entire world to burn the Wand of Shazna in the firepit of Mound Hapla, so Dobo chucked it in the camp fire instead, and went home.

* * *

With his lamp giving off a dull yellow glow General Washington sat up late into the night contemplating his problems: Not enough food, not enough clothing, not enough men, and that idiot Private Doodle who kept putting feathers in his cap and calling it macaroni.

* * *

It was the age of the expected, it was the age of surprises, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the fall of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us – in short, the period was no different from past periods that some of us didn’t know what else to do but go to Las Vegas and drink smoothies.

* * *

He typed like a ninja with no arms, and the text flowed like a drop of blood down a katana blade sharpened with one of those automatic kitchen things you can buy on late-night television when you’re drunk but not too drunk to read off your 16-digit credit card number and security code.

* * *

The night was dark; which is a bit redundant, since night is by definition dark, unless it’s a stormy night when lightning causes moments of brilliant light, or except in places like Norway or Alaska where summer nights can be pretty light, but still, most of the time when you say “night,” people are going to think “dark.”

* * *

I never did see the last thing I saw, the truck and the red light, the last thing I saw was a plus-size girl in a petite ensemble, giving her the appearance of a marshmallow tightly wrapped in dental floss.

Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon licensed in California and Nevada, with offices in Truckee, Tahoe City and Reno. Jim’s practice areas include: real estate, development, construction, business, HOAs, contracts, personal injury, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at porter@portersimon.com or http://www.portersimon.com.