The Christmas season is upon us, and as much as I know you love these boring legalese Law Reviews I’ve cranked out for 37 years, I know what you really want for Christmas.

You’ve seen a few of these courtroom gaffes before, but this collection is special. These bloopers are culled from the shelves of esteemed real estate attorney (one of my legal mentors) John R. Hetland.

John, who literally wrote the book on real estate law, owns an impressive collection of legal humor books. Enjoy.

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Q: “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the War?”

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Q: “Did he kill you?”

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Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

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Q: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

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Q: “How many times have you committed suicide?”

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Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”

A: “By death.”

Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

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Q: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

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Q: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

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Q: “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

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Q: “What happened then?”

A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q: “Did he kill you?”

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Q: “The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?”

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Q: “She had three children, right?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “How many were boys?”

A: “None.”

Q: “Were there any girls?”

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Q: “Were you alone or by yourself?”

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Q: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”

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Q: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

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Q: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”

A: “I’ll be three months on March 12th.”

Q: “Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “What were you doing at that time?”

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Q: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”

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Q: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

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Q: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”

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Q: “Are you married?”

A: “No, I’m divorced.”

Q: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

A: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

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Q: “Mrs Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

A: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”

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Q: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”

A: “Not yet.”

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Q: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?”

A: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.”

Q: “And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?”

A: “no, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!”

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Q: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”

A: “I could see his head.”

Q: “And where was his head?”

A: “Just above his shoulders.”

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Q: “…any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”

A: “The victim lived.”

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Q: “Are you sexually active?”

A: “No, I just lie there.”

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Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”

A: “Yes, I have been since early childhood.”

HERE’S TO A MERRY, MERRY, CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR.

Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon licensed in California and Nevada, with offices in Truckee, Tahoe City and Reno, Nevada. Jim’s practice areas include development, construction, business, HOAs, contracts, personal injury, accidents, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at porter@portersimon.com or http://www.portersimon.com.