LAW REVIEW: Bring on the lawyer jokes
I receive lots of comments and column suggestions from readers and tons of e-mail humor. Here are a couple of pieces, one on consultants and another on lawyers, that you might find humorous:
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: “If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers, “Sure!”
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.
Finally he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns around to the shepherd and says: “You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!”
“That is correct, take one of the sheep,” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select an animal and bundle it in his Cherokee. “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?”
“Okay, why not!” answers the young man.
“You are a consultant,” says the shepherd.
“That is correct,” says the yuppie. “How did you guess that?”
“Easy,” answers the shepherd. “You turn up here although nobody called you, you want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to, and you don’t know anything about my business because you took my dog.”
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be a lawyer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responds, “You must be a client.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter/Simon, with offices in Truckee and Reno. He is a mediator and was the Governor’s appointee to the Bipartisan McPherson Commission and the California Fair Political Practices Commission. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or at the firms web site http://www.portersimon.com
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