Pine Nuts: Divine de-escalation |

Pine Nuts: Divine de-escalation

Remember the good ol’ days of warfare when in the heat of battle you could grab your adversary by the beard or the ears or the nose and head-butt him? Me neither.

Well, no matter, those days are gone forever. There will be no hand-to-hand combat for Americans in our next war. We are too fat to fight. That’s right, too fat to fight.

Seventy percent of the teens in our fittest of all states, Colorado, are unfit for military service. According to one doctor at the Mayo clinic, “By the year 2020, only two out of every 10 recruits will be able to meet the weight-fitness qualifications to serve in the military.”

So how many Marines will we have in 2020? I estimate we will go from 186,000 in 2017 to 3,720 in 2020. One scientific report warns that a gain of just 1 percent of body fat will disqualify more than 850,000 additional men and 1.3 million women from military service.

But wait, there is a silver lining to this troubling news.

The rest of the world has not been standing still in this matter. The whole world is now too fat to fight. Nobody’s interested in hand to hand combat anymore. “When the ammo runs out I’m going out back to find out what time it is.”

So does this mean we have lost our appetite for war? Well, we have lost our appetite for fighting a war, but we have not lost our appetite for declaring or starting a war. The problem with this state of mind is the insuperable consequence that once a conflict escalates and weapons of mass destruction start flying around, well, it will be high time to bend over and kiss our assets goodbye.

So what can we do to avoid being vaporized in a “woops” world conflagration? We can stand down. Denuclearization is easy as 1-2-3. The country with the most nuclear warheads, Russia, starts the ball rolling. Russia stands down to the level of the next country with the most deployed warheads, us, and now we’re even. Then we and the Russians stand down to the next country with the most deployed warheads, France, and so on, and so on, until all nuclear weapons are eliminated and banished forever from the face of the earth. I shall advance the implementation of this plan myself, and I shall start tomorrow.

Let’s call it, “Divine De-escalation.”

My first plan of action is to send copies of this strategy to Washington and Pyongyang, so negotiators of impending talks regarding denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula, whomever they might be, will have a mutual understanding of the definition of “denuclearization.”

So wish us well, and please keep your fingers and toes crossed for luck.

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at

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