Pine Nuts: Good news: Beer discovered on Mars |

Pine Nuts: Good news: Beer discovered on Mars

Looking for an incentive to go to Mars? Me too.

They have the makings of beer, and not your common garden variety beer we have here on Earth, like my personal favorite, “Arrogant Bastard” at 7.2 percent alcohol, but beer brewed from hops and barley grown in iron oxide soil.

Soil on Mars has a pH of 8 to 9, compared to a meager 6 to 7 here on Earth, and I get this information from the NASA Phoenix Mars Lander, that has analyzed Martian soil in depth.

I’m not a scientist, but I am volunteering right here and now to travel to Mars with hops and barley from Mother Earth to start the first brewery on another planet. Friends warn me I will never get back to Earth and I don’t really care about that, for I’m not just wanting to start a brewery on Mars, but also looking to get away from Earth, albeit, a few miles this side of Heaven.

Well, look at it, no cockroaches, no mosquitos, no pesky flies. I can lay out a public golf course as easy as pie. A 300-yard drive on Earth, hit into the thin air of Mars, will fly 800 yards. So I will need a cart. I’m sure Elon Musk will loan me one, but if he doesn’t have a golf cart, I will need a youthful caddie. (I should make a note of that … take caddie.)

Mars is on our minds. She is now closer to Earth than she has been in 15 years. The European Space Agency’s Mars Express has detected a lake 12 miles wide that lies beneath the southern icecap. I think of that lake as the Lake Tahoe of Mars, the perfect place to brew beer, so I shall advertise our brew as being from, “The Land of Sky Blue Mars Waters!” Of course I will have to heat an area to melt the icecap and release the carbon dioxide necessary to create an atmosphere conducive to brewing … I can do that.

It goes without saying that I will have to take a dog along with me. You cannot have a respectable brewery without a dog for a mascot. It shall be a Labradoodle and I shall call him, “Charlie P. Woofer,” or, “Charlotte P. Woofer” if female. (I should make a note of that … take dog.)

As there will be no PayPal up there on Mars, I will have to take payment for beer orders in advance. This arrangement will help to finance my transportation, which I haven’t fully figured out yet, probably a driverless Uber hybrid of some sort. (I should make a note to ask about that … ask Elon.)

Looks like we’ll be leaving soon, so to place your beer orders just stop me on the street. I accept foreign currency, digital currency, cryptocurrencies and Bitcoin. Yes, we shall soon be drinking beers from Mars …

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at

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