Pine Nuts: Keeping a cow not for milk but for gas

McAvoy Layne

You would never believe what a dairy cow can do these days. She can jump over the moon, yes, but better than that she can power a car to 70 mph with manure. I kid you not. And she’s coming soon to a gas station near you.

Methane is powerful stuff, and where do you find the best methane to harness and convert to natural gas? Cow pies, that’s where.

And where do you find enough cow pies to power a fleet of trucks? Just follow your nose to the nearest dairy farm, which are far and few between at Tahoe, for dairy cows, hard as we try, have yet to produce a frozen milk bar.

Iowa is full of dairy farms, and swine farms too. And guess what? Pigs are almost as productive as cows when it comes to you know what.

So what is keeping us from running the country on methane produced on these farms? The answer is simple; no self-respecting advertising agency is willing to touch it. It’s too unsexy.

It’s not like showing a solar farm full of solar panels, or a wind farm full of windmills. It’s more like showing a methane farm full of, well, that’s why no advertising agency will touch it.

So unharnessed methane continues to go poof into thin air to melt our polar caps and flood our cities.

What can natural gas produced from cow chips do? Well, it’s strong enough to run a 4D movie theater. What is a 4D movie theater? It is a movie theater that features 3D, and has the added attraction of the 4th D, olfactory perception.

You will not believe how a 4th D can keep you alert during three hours of “Return of the Killer Cow Pies.”

But hey, vacuum up a million pounds of cow manure and suddenly you find yourself with some tangible power, not just power for energy, but political power, for we all know what drives Washington, and with a million pounds of cow manure and a high priced lobbyist, you might land a methane gas station in your town as a rider on a farm subsidy.

Some detractors might be quick to call such meddling with congress “pork” but that would be a misnomer. Pork comes later…

I picture our planet as a cumquat, which when all the juice has been sucked out, will one day give up and collapse in on itself without warning.

Instead of pumping gas and oil out of the earth’s bowels, we could be harnessing gas that is readily available above ground and putting that gas to work. “Biogas Forever!” That’s my motto.

I intend to start an advertising agency and begin promoting biogas as soon as I can line up investors to endorse this viable product, destined to save the world as we know it.

Wanna be free forevermore of oil dependence on the Middle East?

Buy a cow.

Learn more about McAvoy Layne at

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