Pine Nuts: Will Santa need a green card next year?
D enmark laid claim to the North Pole last week, alleging Greenland’s continental shelf is actually a mountain range connecting Denmark to the North Pole. They delivered this bombshell to the United Nations on Monday, hoping the U.N. will back them up and actually deliver the N orth Pole to Denmark.
Russia and Canada have been licking their chops over North Pole oil reserves for years, and they are not happy about this claim. But more important than oil reserves is the status of Santa’s citizenship. If the U.N. bequeaths the North Pole to Denmark, well, Santa might have to apply for a green card to deliver presents in America, and who knows where else he might need a work permit.
I suggest we grandfather him in, considering he was born during the third century, has a valid driver’s license and carries AAA sleigh insurance in case he gets stuck in the snow or stuck down a chimney. He has full medical coverage for himself and all the reindeer, not to mention he carries extra Tesla batteries for Rudolph’s nose. And he has CIA clearance to deliver packages to the White House.
Little is known about Santa’s early life before he could grow a beard. It is said that he actually wanted to be an auctioneer, but there were so few auctions at the North Pole that he abandoned that idea and decided to make toys, starting with tin soldiers. When he had produced enough tin soldiers to supply 200 countries with armies he took to making toy guns for the soldiers. It took him three years to make enough guns for all those soldiers, but he did it.
During this time, Santa fell in love and married a nice North Polish girl named Ulga, who suggested he make toys for little girls too. Santa accepted the challenge and created what came naturally to him, “Frozen” dolls. The dolls proved harder to make than guns, so Santa hired some elves to help out in the workshop. The elves wanted to make more guns and threatened to strike, but Santa held them to the task and they continued to make dolls until they had as many dolls as guns.
Now Santa just needed kids for all those toys, and that’s when Rudolph appeared. Here was this beautiful reindeer, dancing all about the frozen tundra, even able to fly, but with nowhere to go.
Ulga suggested that Santa catch Rudolph, which is what she called him on account of his red nose, and make a sleigh for Rudolph to pull. Santa could then pile toys into the sleigh and deliver them to children around the world. Santa thought it a good idea, lassoed Rudolph and went straight to work on a sleigh.
Once the sleigh was completed and filled with toys, Santa discovered to his chagrin that poor Rudolph could not budge the sleigh, so Santa and Ulga had to enlist some other reindeer to help.
This is where the term “tough sledding” came into vogue. It seems the other reindeer laughed at Rudolph and called him names on account of his red nose, I suppose. But Santa and Ulga were able to quiet them down, get them all rigged up and, on Christmas eve, off they flew.
Santa did not have to go through customs this year, but should the United Nations decide in favor of Denmark’s claim to the North Pole, Santa will become a Dane and require a green card to deliver here next year. Stay tuned to this publication.
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