Pine Nuts: World wife carrying championship around the corner |

Pine Nuts: World wife carrying championship around the corner

McAvoy Layne
Pine Nuts

First prize is the wife’s weight in beer.

So how does one win such a sumptuous award? Well, first off, you need to be strong as an ox, secondly you need to have a wife, or a neighbor’s wife, or a wife found somewhere in Finland, who is at least 17 years of age with the physique of a Praying Mantis, and really long legs.

That is to say, she will need really long legs if you are going to carry her in the “Estonian Position,” upside down on your back. This particular position can be precarious however, as there are water hazards 3 feet deep to ford along the way, and a tall lanky wife could possibly get water up her nose.

You might want to start training today, because Taisto Miettinen, who has won 13 medals in these world championships is coming back in 2018. Taisto is built like a brick outhouse, and carries his wife on his back everywhere he goes during the month leading up to the world championships. If that does not impress you, Taisto has also won the World Bog Snorkeling Championship.

Now, you might snivel, “But I don’t have a wife, or anybody else’s wife.”

Well, son, allow the Curmudgeon of Clemens Cove to give you some advice on how to entice a lady to be your wife for a day, while you carry her, not across the threshold, but across a 253.5-meter obstacle course in Finland.

Let’s say you run into a friendly lady at Rookies, who has the shape of a grasshopper and is on her third Barking Spider.

“Say, have you ever been to Finland?” (That’s your open.)

“No, why do you ask?”

“Well because you look like you could win a world championship.”

“Really? In what?”

“Well, an obstacle race.”

“Oh, I’m not an athlete if that’s what you mean.”

“No, you wouldn’t even have to train, and I would bet your weight in beer that you would win!”

“You would? Really? Tell me about this obstacle course.”

“Well, you jump up onto my back, and hang on for dear life while I run the obstacle course.”

At this point in your introduction she will sit there with a blank look on her face, so you might want to close as quickly as you can.

“I will pay your travel expenses to Finland, your lodging and meals, and all you have to do is hang on while I run the obstacle course. It’s not every day that you get a chance to see Finland, home of the Northern Lights.”

Now, if she does not walk out on you at this point, you have got yourself a possible world championship tag team, and good luck! However, if she should walk out, don’t blame me and complain, you can always enter the World Bog Snorkeling Championship, and you won’t even need a wife.

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