Protons, electrons, neurons and morons: Government’s got ’em
Well, the local elections are over, an average winter has graced the Sierra and we go on about our regular lives left to ponder little things like what makes our local snow toxic once a snowplow blade touches it.Truckee spends tons of money to truck perfectly good piles of snow to toxic snow recycling centers as far away as Sierra Valley. After investigating, I have found Truckee is polluted by a substance so toxic it affects literally everything that happens in Truckee. And unfortunately, like noxious weeds, it’s spreading out in concentric rings contaminating the entire Sierra. Local water experts agree this toxin affects our own Truckee River and requires that toxic snow recycling centers be located at least 500 feet from year-round streams.Research indicates that this toxin occurs naturally in the atmosphere around town. However, it tends to concentrate in certain locations, such as town hall, Commerical Row and Lahontan. Exceedingly high concentrations can usually be found around the most expensive, best appointed and best maintained buildings in town.This substance has been studied and it appears to not only be changing our natural world, it affects some humans’ higher brain functions in very subtle, almost unnoticeable ways. Persons exposed undergo deep psychological reorganization. Within six months of exposure, their ability to do productive work plummets and they develop a deep paternalistic need to interfere and direct the affairs of others. Research by the Heartland Institute has shown this toxin indirectly costs Americans billions every year.Many are already aware of this toxin, the heaviest element known to science, tentatively named Administratium. It has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice assistant neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons.These 247 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected around town as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four weeks to do a snow removal contract that without Administratium was concluded in one day at 10 percent of the cost.As research continues Administratium has been linked to gridlock, unaffordable housing, high taxes and hostile business climate. Investigators have come to the conclusion that Truckee is hopelessly contaminated with Administratium and considering the nature of this element – part wave, part particle with no basis in reality as we know it – there is no known way at the present time to mitigate the undesirable toxic side effects of this element.Thus, we will be trucking our contaminated snow to less impacted areas for recycling and enduring the costs forever. Or until Administratium poisoning of the populous runs its course.Scott Denham is a Truckee resident.
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