Ryan Slabaugh: A pledge for the candidates to share
Mr. McCain, Mr. Obama, Mr. Biden and Mrs. Palin:
You are brought here today to acknowledge the accusations of Mr. Orwell, who rolled over in his grave Thursday in order to call this hearing.
Orwell, who wrote the book 1984, apparently got the year wrong, but the story right. After all of you sponsored legislation in 2008 to prop up our capitalist financial system with socialism, you all denied any such action. Instead, you politicked against the “s” word, substituting in its place the phrase, “Spread the wealth around.”
Anything to add to that Mr. Orwell?
It should be clear, based on the charges above, not to mention this miracle of a dead author returning to life, that all of your are guilty of being Orwellian. But today is more than just Orwell’s lucky day. It’s yours as well. Upon accepting our conditions, we offer you a chance to bring yourself to new heights, uphold new promises and start this campaign over from scratch ” isn’t that right George?
Thanks George. What I’m sure he meant to say is what he wrote in 1946, when he described political speech as “gumming together long strips of words which have already been set in order by someone else.” My friends, that is our goal today ” to stop the gumming.
Please repeat after me:
I, (state your name here), promise to stop running over Joe the Plumber with my campaign bus, despite the fact it’s given my campaign a buzz phrase to endlessly repeat to the national media.
I pledge to stop “feeling your pain,” as you know this to be true: It is very difficult to feel at all when drowning in millions of fundraising dollars and snuggling with silk pillows at one of my several homes.
I pledge to stop playing cards while I campaign, specifically but not limited to the race card, the age card, or the gender card, while vowing to have a better Poker face when my opponent is speaking.
I promise to stop promising improved health care, an organized end to the war, a more regulated economy and better education. I acknowledge voters respond to such claims with a resounding, “I should hope so,” while doubting a modern president can accomplish anything significant while in office.
I pledge to stop picking actual music as theme songs for my campaign, including Rocky’s theme song, Journey’s “Don’t stop believing,” or any Fleetwood Mac, because voters don’t want politics mucking up songs that bring back good memories. Instead, to kill two birds with one stone, I will hire Mike Huckabee to write my songs until the former candidate gets a full-time job.
I promise to stop insulting the integrity of my opponent with million-dollar television ads while acting like nothing was said when we’re together. I acknowledge this confuses the constituency, who after witnessing this charade thinks both candidates are just strange bedfellows.
And finally, I (state your name here), pledge to avoid any and all cliches, hire only qualified people, ignore speechwriters from the Nixon era and read 1984 over and over and over again, until I finally get the point.
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