Ryan Slabaugh: My annual letter to Santa
Now that Thanksgiving has passed and we’ve wiped the cranberry sauce off our chins, I hope you are ready for letters like these. The world, as you may have heard, is in a bit of a tizzy. See, nobody’s really making any money, and I’m sure a lot of families will be hoping you can help fill stockings this year.
Below you will find my wish list this season. In the meantime, please let me know what flavor of cookie you’d like to see on the mantle, and I’ll make sure I have a plate ready when you arrive.
Item 1: Reindeer
You’re on to something, Mr. Claus. You travel across the world without ever having to fill up with gas. Despite the fact gasoline has sunk below $2 in our country’s non-Tahoe parts, most of us will be vacationing at home this holiday season.
So, I was wondering if you could supply me a male and female that can fly, and we’ll set up a breeding farm somewhere. I hear there might be some extra factory space in Detroit coming open soon.
Anyway, I assume you just feed the reindeer hay, which is a lot cheaper than gas. We’ll figure out what to do with the byproducts down the line. More fertilizer for the hay, I imagine.
Item 2: Fan Stadium
Finally, America’s pastime can return to its roots ” to the people. The New York Mets were planning to build a new stadium to be funded and sponsored by, guess who, Citigroup. The park, which was to be called Citi Park, is now on hold as the government spends billions to bail out one of the world’s largest banks.
In response, two council members in New York have asked for the park to then change its name to … Taxpayer Park.
We like that. But not as much as Fan Stadium.
Item 3: The election to be over
Oh, wait. That’s a holdover from last year’s list. Let me cross off this one.
Item 4: No more toxic toys
Most of America is tired of hearing about how China gives us toxic toys our kids put in their mouths. Seems a bit conspiratorial, no? I’m just hoping you’ve dealt with any of your distributors from China. If you’re wondering what is toxic, go to http://www.healthytoys.org.
Item 5: Colleges to lower tuition
Something is going unsaid in the “tuition increase” issue that is keeping students from going to school and loans hard to secure. While many universities are sitting on hundreds of millions of dollars to build educational palaces and water fountains named after donors, thousands of students are leaving school because it is unaffordable.
It’s time to start giving to universities for the reason of lowering tuition. Do that, or give to your high school. While a million dollar gift to your collegiate alma mater might get you a brick with your name on it, a gift that size to your high school might get you a ticker-tape parade.
Item 6: No more Christmas movies starring Tim Allen
Does anyone seriously disagree with this? If you do, let me know. Instead, I suggest: Home for the Holidays, directed by Jodi Foster and starring Robert Downey Jr.
Item 7: More rescuing, less cloning
Last week, the woolly mammoth returned to theoretical life through a proven process of transplanting mammoth DNA into a elephant egg. It’s worked in other animals ” two domestic housecats recently gave birth to two African wildcats through this process.
But I wonder, is this really where our conservation efforts should be going? Imagine an alien landing on the planet, seeing us endanger eagles, elephants and polar bears, and working feverishly to bring back the mammoth.
Then, the alien must ask, who brings back the polar bear?
Item 8: Peace and love
This is another holdover from last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. You get the picture. I’ll recognize this under the tree as the big box with the biggest bow. I promise, if you can fit it through the chimney, I’ll share.