Ryan Slabaugh: Well, it beats cable …
Welcome to the SON (Same Old News) Channel, the only place where you order your programming straight from the menu. If you dont like the offerings, dont bother changing the channel. The next restaurant, oops, channel, is just like this one.
Our producers cook up the freshest quips and quotes on the current economic fracas, with enough charts and graphs and lingo to spin your head like a roulette wheel. Suggested sides: Tylenol; Prozac. Wine Spectator review: Depressing in every sense.
Discovered in Atlanta in the ’80s, our producers put their own spin on a classic. Learn everything about the current economic crisis and war, as well as sports, news and celebrity succotash. Suggested sides: Katie Couric, Brian Williams or Dan Rather. Wine Spectator review: Ever since they added the ticker, this one has overwhelmed the palette. As a wine suggestion, this one goes with anything red.
If you can spell, you can win money. Also, see Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak fight to the death without messing up their hair. Suggested side: QVC; Readers Digest. Wine Spectator review: Vanna White still has the best job in television. Rumors are circulating that she is actually battery-powered.
A delicacy in Bristol, Conn., this classic presents huge chunks of meat cooked to perfection and uniformly dressed. For fun, we garnish this with a referee whistle. Suggested sides: Home andamp; Garden Network (to please the Mrs.); The Swimsuit Issue. Wine Spectator review: We find this dish best suited for those who spend Sunday afternoons yelling at their televisions.
Only in America will you find a braised chicken still squawking as its served to you. This raw bird might make you sick, but you wont put it down! Suggested sides: John Stewart; Stephen Colbert; Exercise. Wine Spectator review: Make sure you balance this dish with a stiff drink, which like the shows commentary, should be cheap and plentiful.
This grizzled veteran digs and chops and filets his sources until their flavors erupt in a warzone of deliciousness. With that description, how can it not cost the most? The beard is extra. Suggested sides: the BBC; al-Jazeera; Politico.com. Wine Spectator review: We tried this dish in Baghdad, pre-2003, and found the new Blitzer to be a bit drab and underperforming.
Its what producers do when they run out of ingredients. You bring in your old archival tapes and we whip them together with a gaggle of sound effects and fake applause right at the table. Suggested sides: Americas Most Wanted; Cops; YouTube. Wine Spectator review: The strange, red-headed third cousin of real television, without the burden of plots or characters.
Watch some guy named after his favorite animal eat live insects and walk a hundred miles, all while a producer relaxing in a helicopter films him. Suggested side: Survivor Man; Choose Your Own Adventure books. Wine Spectator review: When youre done gagging at this guy eating moth larvae, you should have plenty of time to change the channel.
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The night looks alive with flame. But it’s only a front. A deep dark trails close behind. Winks of light flicker in there, constellations. Then fade. The action is ahead, farther up the mountainside. The…