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Surrendering to Irish intelligence

Bob Sweigert

That’s funny. I didn’t know some Americans are Muslims. I thought we were all Irish Catholics.

My mother has had me locked up in a cage in the basement since my terrible twos. When she released me Saturday I looked outside and everybody was wearing green. Maybe some Irish Catholics are Muslim. Maybe some white supremacists are in the Mickey Mouse Club. It’s so hard to keep track of everyone these days.

I’m going to publish a doctoral thesis on the demographics of religious groups in America and their affiliations with unicorns, leprechauns and ginger bread boys. Be patient though. I’m only half Irish, so I can’t know everything all the time, just half of everything half the time.

I promise to be more sensitive to everyone’s feelings, and especially careful about how I use pronouns and other incendiary words like Muslim, American and reproduction. If you would all send me a list of every word you find offensive it would be very helpful. I promise to avoid them.

Actually, I like all words, except “dude.”

I don’t mind thinking for myself, if that’s OK with you. It gives me a sense of freedom, like when I pretend I’m flapping my wings and I finally land in America.

But from now on I will use the word “die” instead of “killed,” just for warm fuzzies sake. For example, “When the soldiers were die, support for the war ended.” Or, “If we all get die, will bull riding die with us?”

Killed, dead, die ” it’s all good. Cowboy up, dude.

I will try to be more accepting of others, but if you tell me you’re a “devout” Muslim from Tikrit who has die people, you’re starting to sound like a “cowboy” from Crawford, Texas.

If you tell me you are a leprechaun and can grant me everything my heart desires, I believe you. If I don’t, you will get angry and turn me into a unicorn. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I don’t think I want to be a unicorn. But if you say I’m a unicorn, well then, I guess that makes me a unicorn.

Listen up lads and lasses. Here comes the serious part. It is time for human beings to put aside their differences, discard their cultural identities and realize we are all Irish on the inside. DNA studies conducted on people all around the world have proven that, in spite of differences in skin color, bone structure and other distinguishing racial characteristics, human beings are more alike than different.

DNA brings us all together. We share a common origin. We are all biologically bound to one another. That is a fact. Our religious and cultural identities, our beliefs, clothing, customs and social mores are more happenstance than divinely wrought. They are based on faith, myth, superstition, climate and practicality. Their significance is subordinate to the scientific and spiritual fact of our common blarney, I mean humanity.

That’s how I can justify poking fun at them. To discover our true identity, our political, personal and social efforts should look to Tipperary, not San Francisco. Diversity is actually Scottish, and causes division.

I honestly thought all this stuff was common knowledge. Obviously not. John Lennon was die 26 years ago for knowing it. Imagine. He wasn’t even Irish.

Don’t be so fanatical about diversity and political correctness that your head starts spinning in the presence of superior Irish intelligence. If so, try using vice grips. Get hold of everything below your neck so it all doesn’t start spinning when you get a grip on your head. Nail your feet to the floor first if you think the torque is really strong.

If your buttons are too easily pushed, quit drinking so much WD40. It’s for things made of real metal.

If it were my responsibility to make everyone understand, I would strip us all of race, culture and Mickey Mouse hats. Lucky for us Irish, I don’t need to.


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