Tahoe Pine Nuts: Oh how we love the Madness of March
Special to the Bonanza
It’s finally here! Everybody’s favorite time of year, March Madness. And do you know why it’s everybody’s favorite time of year? It’s everybody’s favorite time of year because it’s the only time of year that if you’re not into it, you don’t have to deal with it, at all.
You can excuse yourself to the bathroom, not come back, and nobody will notice. Where as, all the other times of the year, from Christmas to Thanksgiving, you’re stuck into it whether you’re ready, willing & able or not.
March Madness is every gambler’s favorite time of year. During the other 11 months of the Bacchanalian Calendar, the casinos get into our knickers with football, baseball and professional basketball.
But in March, those fat guys in Las Vegas who set the odds don’t know any more than we do, and they can crunch their numbers all day long to no avail, because college kids play with their hearts.
So it is in March, that we turn the tables on casinos, and carry money out of their sports books in wheelbarrows.
There are little things to look for in handicapping the Big Dance. Number one is who has the most floor-burn. Who will dive on the floor for a loose ball is crucial.
Few pros will dive for a loose ball. They call it, “a business decision.” But the college kids will dive out a second story window for a loose ball, and that is a measure of heart.
Another thing to look for is free throws. Guys with big hands don’t have as good a feel for the ball, and they are always suspect when it comes to free throws.
I can shoot free throws better than DeAndre Jordan of the Clippers, and that’s with a Chihuahua nipping at my ankles.
One more thing to look at is cheerleaders. If the cheerleaders have perfect coiffed hair, stay away from that team.
What you want to look for is cheerleaders who can do backflips without any help, cheerleaders who know when to cheer and when to lay down their pom-poms and pray. You want to look for cheerleaders that inspire the players rather than the crowd.
Finally, the most important thing to look for when handicapping March Madness is GPA. The kids with the highest grade point average have been attending class, and they know they are not going to be making money playing basketball after college.
The kids with the lower GPA have been cutting class to shoot hoops, knowing they might have a chance to make millions shooting threes in the NBA. So go with the team with the lower GPA.
Now, for those who have no interest in basketball whatsoever, and don’t recognize Kentucky for anything other than excellent bourbon, I recommend putting a small wager on this year’s final game, then sitting back to watch that game with a friend who also has no interest in basketball but who also has made a small wager on the other team in that game.
I give you my solemn word, you and your friend will have some serious skin in next year’s March Madness, and be planning to party through it all, for the Madness of March is the greatest 40 minutes in all the glorious kingdom of sport.
Learn more about McAvoy Layne at http://www.ghostoftwain.com.
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