Tahoe Pine Nuts: World history in two minutes by the watch
Special to the Bonanza
In the beginning, while man was sitting around waiting for Farmers Only online dating to come along, he noticed birds were getting drunk on fermented grapes, and man said, “I can do that.”
So along came merlot and mankind was happy, so happy that he did absolutely nothing worth mentioning for a thousand years.
Then one day man got tired of throwing darts at a round target on the wall and got the idea to turn that target into a wheel to grind wheat and brew beer.
It was then, by accident, man discovered that when a wheel gets away and rolls downhill it rolls really fast. So he fastened four wheels onto a large shingle and chariot racing was created.
Once mankind had beer and fast chariots, well, there were a few accidents, but everything became possible, particularly organized races.
Newspapers sprang up to announce the winners of those early NASCAR races, and advertising executives were born overnight. We refer to them as prophets nowadays.
Wine drinkers were conservative and looked down their noses at beer drinkers, who were aggravatingly politically correct, actually reading witches their Miranda Rights before burning them at the stake.
Conservatives evolved into self-made men who worshiped their maker, while progressives evolved into believing money is like manure, it’s no good unless you spread it around.
Meanwhile, women were busy raising kids, all the while asking, “So when do we get a voice in all of this? As you know, we are the voice of reason.” To which man, to his detriment, turned a deaf ear for another thousand years.
Finally women world-wide; on International Women’s Day, March 18th, 2016; stood up as one and shouted, “Hey, you men with your testosterone-fueled wars take a seat! We’re tired of sending our sons off to fight your internecine wars, and we’re done with it. You get nothing, no more sons, no more daughters, until you swear allegiance to denounce violence as a means of problem solving.”
And you know what happened? Miraculously, men started turning their swords and missile systems into ploughshares, and babies started to be born again, but this time around, those babies were raised by families that fostered tolerance and kindness, and the world lived happily ever after.
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