Truckee Tahoe Girl: Suddenly single on Valentine’s Day | SierraSun.com

Truckee Tahoe Girl: Suddenly single on Valentine’s Day

Simone Grandmain
Special to the Sun

If you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day or thinking the term “dead of winter” describes your love life, below is a practical guide to help you get over your new status.

1. Do embrace self-love and pay a visit to Sierra Cosmetic Laser. This is the perfect time to get a little Juvederm refill to plump up those frown lines (he gave them to you), have the fine wrinkles erased with a little laser (he gave them to you, it was not the smoking) and maybe even augment that thinner upper lip (OK, he’s off the hook there.) The beauty of making yourself look younger now is when you do run into him (hopefully post procedure) and he marvels at how good you look he will inevitably think it is because you are blissfully happy without him. Again, there is always the possibility he won’t notice how good you look because he never did and even on Christmas Eve when you were all fancied up to go to that party he never commented on it except to wonder why you were so upset the dog jumped on your red suede skirt and…

But I digress.

2. On the same because-your-worth-it path, do make an appointment with Spiral Healing and get a complete hydro colon cleanse. Kind of a new take on washing that man right out of your hair. The benefits here are two-fold: You will be ridding yourself of every remnant of the meals you slaved over to please him (how much tri tip can a man eat anyway?) and you will also leave with a flat tummy. Come summer, when you are running around Donner Lake and accidentally find yourself in the midst of his annual camping trip, he will be able to see that – now single – you have the time to exercise. Not that doing 20 loads of laundry a day or mucking out the horse stalls or helping with construction clean-ups or mopping a white kitchen floor after four indoor/outdoor dogs who have played in the mud isn’t exercise. Not to mention shoveling snow when he was working in the Bay Area and…

But I digress.

3. Do tune into the Lifetime Channel. Now is your chance! You are allowed to because now you are single and master of your own television destiny. Chances are you will be lucky enough to come across “When Harry Met Sally.” Enjoy, but un-like Sally’s happy-ending, do not expect he will be coming back on New Year’s Eve. Come to think of it, he wasn’t there last New Year’s Eve anyway, unless a call from the T-Club asking for a ride home counts. And I don’t even know what you would call the pre-dawn drive back to town to get his truck. Maybe it was the road trip I have always wanted to do with him and never quite fit into the schedule but for some reason roads trips with the boys to look at new horses were do-able and…

But I digress.

4. Do not ask mutual friend what his new flame, flash-in-the-pan, whatever you want to call her (keep it printable!) looks like. This is a no-win situation. If the response is “She’s really pretty” you immediately think, “Wow. I’m not pretty enough.” If the response is “She is really unattractive” you immediately think “Wow. I’m really not pretty enough.” The best you can hope for is “She looks cheap” to which your response should be “I don’t have enough money to look cheap.” And whatever you do, never strike up this conversation in Safeway, especially not in the express checkout line during rush hour, meaning 5-5:30 p.m. If you really want to know what is going on with your ex and his soon-to-be new ex have your hair cut at your usual place in your old (his current) neighborhood and pretend like you are dating someone else so your stylist will really spill the beans. Encourage her, but don’t get carried away, or you will walk out of there with really short hair that everyone will politely says looks sassy and all you really wanted was a trim, he liked your hair long and…

But I digress.

5. On the subject of Safeway… Yes, you have whiled away many a happy hour (OK, sometimes two) wandering each and every aisle, planning menus, his favorite dishes, spending oodles of time and money knowing this time, this time for sure, you were going to impress him with your culinary wonder-skills. You would be known as the friggen’ Martha Stewart of Sierra Meadows if it killed you. How were you supposed to know the bottom coil of the oven was broken? That is why your Thanksgiving turkey was raw That is not your fault! And what about the fact he is a closet chef who was just holding out on you so you would continue to toil over a broken oven, your self esteem taking hit after hit and…

But I digress. The point is, this is your Safeway now (just make sure to go during his work hours). This is your chance to buy all those foods you deprived yourself of over the last few years. Hello Sugar Free Jell-O! Bring on the low-fat mayonnaise (they do too taste the same!) Hey, you made of soy? Come on board. Skippy Super Chunk – good. Jiff Creamy – bad. And while you’re at it, throw in some People magazines and a Newsweek (the man was Republican). When you pay, use your sister’s phone number for the discount instead of your (now his) old one.

6. Do wear clothes he gave you as much as possible because when you run into him and the new, rebound, temp’ girl, you will be giving her a silent dig and make him uncomfortable – that is if he remembers he bought them for you. And he should remember considering it was so out of character for him. I mean, this is the guy who on your birthday in Hawaii bought himself a new pair of board shorts. Like he doesn’t have enough swim trunks – we live in Truckee for goodness sake! And what about all those new shirts he kept bringing home when he was working out of town? Why did he need those? Did he run out of clean clothes? Were you not keeping up with his laundry? You thought you were on top of it and…

But I digress.

On the same subject, do not get depressed when you get dressed in the morning and you know you look damn good and you wish he knew it. Remember, you are dressing for yourself and also maybe that cute stock boy at Safeway (the place really does have everything). If this self-love crap just isn’t cutting it then glam onto the thought maybe you will run into him at the post office at 9 a.m. on Tuesday or he will drive by in the big white truck and admire your hotness and maybe even have little fender bender and…

But I digress.

7. Do not (on the subject of the Big White Truck) stalk, hide from or preen for this Moby Dick (how apropos) of a vehicle every time one drives by. In the Truckee/Tahoe basin apparently about 90 percent of all men (that’s a lot of ex’s) drive some sort of Gig White Truck and you are in for some serious whiplash if you find yourself swiveling your head right and left every time one drives by. Next thing you know you will be doing crazy things like wearing binoculars to see if the driver was wearing a baseball cap (again, what are the odds in this part of the world), listening for the distinct sound of diesel to narrow down the search and jumping behind snow banks on your less attractive days. Next thing you know you will find yourself striking a pose in the middle of that four-way intersection by Moody’s, watching the BWT drive away, remembering how much your heart used to flutter when it pulled up into the driveway bearing a week’s worth of laundry you would lovingly retrieve because (damn it!) you gave really good laundry and…

But I digress.

8. Do not give into the emotional (and that is being polite) call disguised as a hot tub invite. Though this does fall into the silent dig category because it is a nice secret revenge on little miss who thinks she is all that. And if you do, make sure you do not ask where your (his) beloved dog is who always greets you because maybe the poor pooch is in the Bay Area with city girl enduring an attempt at forced bonding and…

But I digress.

9. Do get a massage and while you are there pick him up a gift certificate. The healing properties here are subtle, but powerful. First of all, you won’t be so resentful of all the massages you gave him and never received. Secondly, you will be thrilled to know just how happy your massages must have made him, which means he must miss you a lot. Thirdly, by giving him the gift certificate he will not ask rubber girl (because she is going to bounce, trust my words!) to give him a massage. OK, that might be a stretch, but you are still in hopeful, stretch mode.

10. Do not go on a date until you are sure you are past hopeful, stretch mode. Otherwise you might find yourself sitting at a dinner table doing comparative thinking like the ex would know to put his napkin on his lap, or the ex never held my hand at the table. Should I like handholding at the table? The ex wasn’t warm and fuzzy. Am I warm and fuzzy? Yes I am, no I’m not. The ex had such nice hands. And eyes. The ex liked my Stetson – he bought it for me. And boots. That was a great Christmas. New guy gets a fake tree. I guess that’s good for the environment. The ex would have me laughing by now. Should I be laughing? The ex never used double negatives. The ex always asks about my family. The most fun is where the ex is. But this quiet is fun, right? Very introspective. The ex always knows who is going to win American Idol.

And then just when you think you are going to get lucky, the new guy, who is not your ex, takes umbrage (the ex would know that word) to the pictures you have of the ex’s children in your bedroom on a bulletin board and he might not think they are as adorable as you do and this could lead to an embarrassing moment and then the new guy might say something like, “Call me when you stop talking about your ex” and then you might say something like…

But I digress.

– Submitted to aedgett@sierrasun.com