Unlike skating, national unity may begin in the meat department | SierraSun.com

Unlike skating, national unity may begin in the meat department

This is Grasshopper Soup. Beware. The subject matter does not necessarily represent the opinions, interests (or even the work) of the author.

It’s extravagant exaggerations are highly toxic to the frontal lobe, and allowed by the Constitution of the United (you’re kidding me) States of America.

Reactions can include, but are not limited to, severe psychosis, incoherency, mass hysteria or uncontrollable fits of laughter, depending on your IQ. Mine is above average. How else do you expect me to write this stuff?

Of all the issues being discussed in local and national politics you almost never hear anyone broach the sensitive and touchy, hot-potato subject of America’s woeful lack of national unity in times of major change and crisis. It’s a much more timely and significant topic now than it was during the stability and peace we enjoyed in 1945 and through most of the ’50s. Not that Americans were united then. They weren’t.

It doesn’t seem to be getting any better these days. Just look at who’s criticizing who, and for what. Pretty much anybody and for anything. It’s the American way. Americans are about as united as the ugly skateboard skid marks desecrating the once beautiful, brand new image of Lake Tahoe that graced the new sidewalk north of Fanny Bridge in Grasshopper Soup City. It was the crowning glory of the whole dam improvement project, and now some airhead kids ruined it.

We can’t brand the entire skateboarding subculture as brain-dead just because of the stupid actions of a few (especially in a column about national unity), but we can make a special trip to see the skid marks. They are as disconnected as the thought processes of the kids who made them.

It broke my heart when I saw them. How far do you have to get from reality to crash land your board over and over again on someone’s hard work and creativity? Another teenage Superman fantasy gone bad. Maybe it was the only dream those kids had.

At least the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders are entertaining the troops again, for the 63rd time. That says something about national unity in some way, shape or form. Watching those dancers, how could a soldier not see that true patriotism comes in many forms?

I spent a summer in Alaska some 20 years ago learning how to filet salmon. I learned a very simple, common sense lesson for wrapping filets, which I have yet to see practiced down here in the lower 48: Never place two filets together skin-against-meat unless you like your meat covered with fish scales. Place them together meat against meat only!

I haven’t had the nerve to pass that information on to all the people who wrap my salmon. It seems so obvious, especially to someone in the meat department. It would be embarrassing, like having to tell them how to tie their shoe. I just keep my mouth shut, go home and clean all the scales off, wondering how Alaska could be so far ahead of everyone else on such a common-sense, better-service idea.

Maybe someone in the local grocery stores will read this and spread the word about the proper way to wrap salmon ” unite and improve the meat industry, one filet at a time.

Apparently, the Information Age hasn’t helped. Maybe that’s why Elton John is calling for the Internet to be shut down. Right on, Elton John. Inject a “not fashionable” virus into it.

Presidential candidate Fred Thompson is the only one I ever hear talk about unity. He seems to take the problem seriously. He knows his way around Capitol Hill. He’s paid his dues. He is quite familiar with the inner workings of all branches of government and special interest groups.

That’s enough to make anybody worry about national unity.

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