Dear Therapist: Lately I have been struggling badly with loneliness. I regret not having put myself out there more in the past although I also feel like I have tried to make friends but never really found my place up here. I truly don’t know what to do.

Dear Finding My Place: Loneliness can be a vicious cycle where the more lonely we feel, the harder it can be to reach out, so I’m very glad you were able to reach out to me. Loneliness can also be layered with other difficult feelings, feelings that make the pain of loneliness much worse and hold us back from seeking more connection.

For example, feeling like you’re the only one suffering can be part of loneliness. Because lonely people are not out in the world proclaiming their loneliness, it can be easy to believe that everyone else’s life is full of connection. But as a therapist who hears all manner of people’s stories, even people one might never imagine being lonely, I can assure you that unfortunately loneliness is widespread.

Loneliness can also bring a feeling of shame. Somehow we are given the message in our culture that loneliness means something bad about us. Not only does a person have to feel the pain of loneliness, they also are burdened with feeling bad about themselves for being lonely. Yet whether or not you’ve been partly at fault for not having more connection, you are human, and struggling to find a sense of belonging is challenging, not shameful.

Hopelessness and helplessness may also accompany loneliness. It can be overwhelming to even know where to begin to find more connection. It’s normal to freeze up or shut down in the face of this overwhelm. By seeing the shift toward more connection as a gradual process that happens over months and even years through tiny steps, however, hopelessness and helplessness can transform into action. You can start an action list, whether it’s volunteering or texting an old friend, adding to the list whenever you have a new idea and tackling them one by one. These tiny steps are going to be a series of imperfect trials and errors, so try not to talk yourself out of it before you even take the step.

Finally, loneliness can be loaded with a lot of fear. Fear of being lonely forever, fear of being old and alone, fear of dying alone, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of never finding a sense of belonging … the list can go on and on. These fears are normal. The bad news is that they probably won’t miraculously go away. The good news is that it is possible to take action and add people and activities to your social world even if you’re full of fear. Fear doesn’t have to block you from moving forward. You can feel the fear and act anyway.

If, Finding My Place, the fear – or shame or helplessness – is actually blocking you and you can’t take steps forward, you are not alone, and professional support can help get you unstuck. I know it is awful to feel lonely, but it is also a sign that you have something inside of you that is pushing you toward more connection, that you have capacity for more connection. It’s a healthy

and beautiful thing to want to find your place in the world, and the search for it, while maybe not a straight or easy line forward, is in itself a life well lived. And, in this search, you are not alone.

Danielle B. Grossman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has worked with clients in the Truckee/Tahoe community for 20 years. She helps individuals and couples with their relationships, anxiety, grief, and struggles with food and addiction. Reach out at truckeecounseling@gmail.com or learn more at truckeecounseling.com